1 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:28,400 Ladies and gentlemen. 2 00:02:22,030 --> 00:02:25,890 The year I went down to London to actively seek work was a significant 3 00:02:25,890 --> 00:02:26,890 year for me. 4 00:02:27,830 --> 00:02:31,770 Dossing about on the dole in itself is hardly new to me exactly, but dosing 5 00:02:31,770 --> 00:02:33,550 about on the dole down in London? 6 00:02:34,130 --> 00:02:36,010 Now that was a significant change. 7 00:02:42,670 --> 00:02:45,970 You see, I'm a lazy bastard at the best of times. 8 00:02:46,310 --> 00:02:50,430 But if a dosser like me could find gainful employment in the big smoke... 9 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:52,660 Then so could anyone. 10 00:02:55,660 --> 00:02:59,020 Or at least that's what I told my best mate Kenny, from Ireland. 11 00:03:00,540 --> 00:03:02,640 Which might explain why you see him here. 12 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:07,140 My best mate Kenny, over from Ireland. 13 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:13,160 Unannounced and unexpectedly visiting, this lazy bastard. 14 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:19,560 How it has to be said, well, it goes without saying. 15 00:03:20,010 --> 00:03:21,170 That lady bastards me. 16 00:03:22,950 --> 00:03:25,270 Kenny, what the frig are you doing here? 17 00:03:25,570 --> 00:03:27,390 What the frig are you doing here, more like it? 18 00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:29,410 You look like shite. 19 00:03:29,830 --> 00:03:31,210 I feel like shite. 20 00:03:31,510 --> 00:03:32,770 Rough night last night, was it? 21 00:03:33,030 --> 00:03:34,890 Aye. Guess you caught that. 22 00:03:35,150 --> 00:03:36,150 What happened there? 23 00:03:36,710 --> 00:03:37,710 What happened where? 24 00:03:37,850 --> 00:03:38,850 There. 25 00:03:40,710 --> 00:03:42,050 Black death last night. 26 00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:44,550 Black death last night. 27 00:03:44,790 --> 00:03:45,790 What? 28 00:03:46,330 --> 00:03:47,330 Calling thick, did you? 29 00:03:48,250 --> 00:03:53,690 Huh? You know, work, your job, recruitment manager, in the city, 18K. 30 00:03:55,510 --> 00:03:57,630 You don't have one, do you? 31 00:03:59,110 --> 00:04:01,550 Now, I could have lied and said yes. 32 00:04:01,770 --> 00:04:05,630 And granted, my mate Kenny, he does look stupid, but let's be honest here. 33 00:04:06,050 --> 00:04:11,350 Look at the state of my... my such, I had to say. Flip me, Byron. Look at you. 34 00:04:11,590 --> 00:04:12,590 You're a friggin' mess. 35 00:04:12,830 --> 00:04:13,870 You're back in the booth again. 36 00:04:14,090 --> 00:04:15,090 Stop it, Kenny. 37 00:04:15,930 --> 00:04:17,190 You're giving me sore heads. 38 00:04:17,470 --> 00:04:18,470 That's not me. 39 00:04:18,570 --> 00:04:19,570 What's that night? 40 00:04:19,790 --> 00:04:21,050 What are you down here for anyway? 41 00:04:23,470 --> 00:04:26,410 I'm down here because you told me the streets of London are paved with gold. 42 00:04:26,990 --> 00:04:27,990 Like shite? 43 00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:29,430 Exactly like shite. 44 00:04:31,950 --> 00:04:36,530 I think I need a drink. 45 00:04:37,890 --> 00:04:39,250 I think it's me that needs a drink. 46 00:04:46,610 --> 00:04:47,610 Look, Byron. 47 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:49,720 It's my last fiver. 48 00:04:50,740 --> 00:04:51,740 My one and only. 49 00:04:55,540 --> 00:04:59,020 You don't know any good pub by any chance, do you? Aye. I knew a good pub, 50 00:04:59,020 --> 00:05:00,020 all right. 51 00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:02,400 My best mate, Kenny. 52 00:05:02,820 --> 00:05:05,920 Only a wee part of him had fallen for my story about the city job. 53 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:07,240 Too good at this place? 54 00:05:07,460 --> 00:05:08,460 The larger percentage. 55 00:05:08,700 --> 00:05:12,340 The overruling majority of him had always suspected that it was a total 56 00:05:12,340 --> 00:05:13,219 load of shite. 57 00:05:13,220 --> 00:05:14,220 Where? 58 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:16,700 Well, still, all the same. 59 00:05:17,370 --> 00:05:20,290 I don't think he could have quite expected this. You know what I mean? 60 00:05:20,530 --> 00:05:21,530 This is a freaking gay pub. 61 00:05:21,910 --> 00:05:23,030 Aye, I know. 62 00:05:24,650 --> 00:05:26,290 If you know, then what the hell are we doing here? 63 00:05:26,550 --> 00:05:29,910 Kenny, a pub's a pub that drinks a drink, and I need a freaking drink. 64 00:05:31,070 --> 00:05:32,070 Now, where's your fiver? 65 00:05:33,430 --> 00:05:34,430 Here. 66 00:05:34,910 --> 00:05:35,910 Well, where's your money? 67 00:05:36,070 --> 00:05:38,770 Now, Kenny, there's detox week and then there's gyro week. 68 00:05:39,350 --> 00:05:40,350 There's a detox week. 69 00:05:40,670 --> 00:05:43,610 You happy? I'll be happy just as long as no one talks to us, I'll be happy, all 70 00:05:43,610 --> 00:05:44,610 right? 71 00:05:44,970 --> 00:05:45,970 High-fiving. 72 00:05:52,750 --> 00:05:53,750 The Queen's dead. 73 00:05:53,930 --> 00:05:55,030 The Queen dead? No. 74 00:05:55,530 --> 00:05:57,130 Yes, died last night. 75 00:05:57,690 --> 00:05:58,690 Poor bitch. 76 00:06:06,190 --> 00:06:12,990 Now that, presumably, was the first gay guy, to my knowledge, that Kenny's ever 77 00:06:12,990 --> 00:06:14,210 met in his entire life. 78 00:06:14,750 --> 00:06:17,190 At least, it's the first gay guy he's ever met through me. 79 00:06:18,790 --> 00:06:20,390 And I'll have to be honest with you. 80 00:06:20,850 --> 00:06:22,350 It was far from being the last. 81 00:06:22,830 --> 00:06:23,830 You all right, Kelly? 82 00:06:27,090 --> 00:06:29,430 Just so long as you don't kiss any more gay guys in the cheek, I'll be all 83 00:06:29,430 --> 00:06:30,430 right. 84 00:06:31,870 --> 00:06:34,530 Byron. Hi, Jeff. 85 00:06:34,910 --> 00:06:35,910 How are you? 86 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:55,960 Take a seat and meet with me, can I? I just came over from Ireland. Oh, from 87 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:56,960 Ireland. 88 00:06:57,240 --> 00:06:58,240 How sweet. 89 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:01,360 Unfortunately, you Irish boys tend to get corrupted when you come to London, 90 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:03,860 so my advice to you would be to go straight back. 91 00:07:04,340 --> 00:07:09,520 Unlike you, I am addicted to this god-awful city, unfortunately. 92 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:17,260 Yes, I'm much too old to be a practising poof, but I enjoy it rather too much to 93 00:07:17,260 --> 00:07:18,260 give it up. 94 00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:21,620 Oh, Byron. 95 00:07:21,950 --> 00:07:22,950 Have you heard? 96 00:07:22,970 --> 00:07:26,770 Her Majesty, Her Royal Highness, the Queen, is dead. 97 00:07:27,090 --> 00:07:28,090 I did, actually. 98 00:07:28,850 --> 00:07:29,950 When did that happen? 99 00:07:30,390 --> 00:07:31,390 Last night. 100 00:07:31,890 --> 00:07:36,230 Now, as much as a party would welcome the abolition of the royal family, the 101 00:07:36,230 --> 00:07:40,790 dead Queen in question was unfortunately not the ruler of England, but was, in 102 00:07:40,790 --> 00:07:43,170 fact, yet another male homosexual. 103 00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:46,610 Or in other words, the Queen was a dead gay guy. 104 00:07:48,030 --> 00:07:50,450 Dead gay guy number one, you might say. 105 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:55,460 as he was to be the first of nine, but the only one to be... Electrocuted. 106 00:07:57,640 --> 00:07:58,640 Electrocuted? Yes. 107 00:07:58,760 --> 00:07:59,900 With a cattle prod. 108 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:02,220 With a cattle prod? Yes, a cattle prod. 109 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:05,060 I mean, that's a class five offensive weapon. 110 00:08:05,340 --> 00:08:06,600 Anyway, she's dead. 111 00:08:07,700 --> 00:08:09,160 Regrettably, the redeemed will be dead. 112 00:08:10,180 --> 00:08:13,060 Death is a strange thing, really. There's something about death that makes 113 00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:16,140 one feel so very much alive. 114 00:08:17,290 --> 00:08:20,490 You know, there's a cruel irony, yes, there is, a cruel irony in knowing that 115 00:08:20,490 --> 00:08:26,990 while some poor bastard is decomposing six feet under, we're still here to live 116 00:08:26,990 --> 00:08:31,810 and love and shop and suck. 117 00:08:33,650 --> 00:08:38,549 Now, tell me, Byron, I may be mistaken, but isn't this your detox week? 118 00:08:40,750 --> 00:08:45,330 Oh, maybe it's your, uh... Let me see, let me see. Yes, it's your gyro week. 119 00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:48,020 No, no, no. It's not Jarrowick, Jeff. 120 00:08:48,300 --> 00:08:51,020 Oh, really? So what kind of a week is it? 121 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:55,480 It's Jeff Wick. Oh, that's right. 122 00:08:55,940 --> 00:08:56,940 It is. 123 00:09:01,220 --> 00:09:01,660 Thank 124 00:09:01,660 --> 00:09:09,560 you, 125 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:10,560 Byron. 126 00:09:12,780 --> 00:09:14,440 Thank you very much. No problem. 127 00:09:14,990 --> 00:09:16,050 Very good this time. 128 00:09:16,510 --> 00:09:17,510 Cheers, Jeff. 129 00:09:18,450 --> 00:09:21,150 There was Jarrow Week and there was Detox Week. 130 00:09:21,890 --> 00:09:23,670 Detox was short for detoxification. 131 00:09:24,290 --> 00:09:26,550 Or in other words, finances were low. 132 00:09:26,770 --> 00:09:29,290 Too low to drink the Black Death, which is a bad thing. 133 00:09:31,170 --> 00:09:32,470 But then I met Jeff. 134 00:09:32,810 --> 00:09:35,870 And Detox Week became Jeff Week, which is a good thing. 135 00:09:36,450 --> 00:09:37,550 This was Jeff Week. 136 00:09:38,110 --> 00:09:42,690 Or in other other words, any week that I drank death, I would drink the Black 137 00:09:42,690 --> 00:09:44,010 Death. Or not. 138 00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:45,299 as it happened. 139 00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:46,300 It was past eleven. 140 00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:49,840 Hi. 141 00:09:50,620 --> 00:09:51,620 Bottle of Black Death, please. 142 00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:53,359 No, mate. 143 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:54,420 Ah, come on, give us a break. 144 00:09:57,260 --> 00:09:58,260 It's gone eleven. 145 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:00,040 But it's just gone one minute past, though. 146 00:10:00,260 --> 00:10:03,660 Look, my lad ain't laying it on the line for you. 147 00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:05,340 But it's not just for me, though, is it? 148 00:10:07,420 --> 00:10:08,420 It's for him as well. 149 00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:10,700 Yeah, come on, mate. 150 00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:13,780 He's my long-lost brother, right? You see, we'd better drink to celebrate, 151 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:17,660 okay? I ain't serving you or your H-Block long-lost brother here. And I'll 152 00:10:17,660 --> 00:10:21,580 have a cunt uncompassionately this side of 11 o'clock. Do you get me? 153 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,040 Hi. 154 00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:40,300 Bottle of black death, please. 155 00:10:44,270 --> 00:10:45,290 It's a capital fraud. 156 00:10:45,650 --> 00:10:47,390 It's a class five offensive weapon. 157 00:10:47,770 --> 00:10:50,630 Baron, you're a fucking asshole, you know that. 158 00:10:50,950 --> 00:10:51,950 It's a mouth nerve. 159 00:10:52,790 --> 00:10:56,110 Just get it, right? Try coming in before 11 sometimes. 160 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,050 It's a lot easier that way. 161 00:11:02,110 --> 00:11:03,150 Where'd you get this thing anyway? 162 00:11:04,790 --> 00:11:05,790 I found it. 163 00:11:08,650 --> 00:11:09,830 What do you mean you found it? 164 00:11:12,310 --> 00:11:13,310 I mean I found it. 165 00:11:13,630 --> 00:11:14,630 Last night. 166 00:11:16,770 --> 00:11:18,510 A lot of things happened last night, didn't they? 167 00:11:19,090 --> 00:11:22,730 What? Look, don't want me, all right? What exactly happened last night? That's 168 00:11:22,730 --> 00:11:24,170 what. Nothing happened last night. 169 00:11:25,770 --> 00:11:27,050 I was in the back room, that's all. 170 00:11:27,270 --> 00:11:28,270 The back room? 171 00:11:31,950 --> 00:11:33,630 What the frig is the back room? 172 00:11:37,130 --> 00:11:40,870 The back room, otherwise known as the dark room, otherwise known as the 173 00:11:40,870 --> 00:11:41,930 playroom, was that renamed. 174 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:49,560 It was in the back, it was dark as shite, and it was full of boys playing 175 00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:50,780 with each other's toys. 176 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:55,920 Not that I would ever call it that, no. 177 00:11:56,560 --> 00:12:01,440 Giving a guy a blowjob for money was what I called legitimate lucrative work. 178 00:12:03,940 --> 00:12:08,580 Giving a guy a blowjob while stealing his money was what I called illegitimate 179 00:12:08,580 --> 00:12:09,640 lucrative work. 180 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:12,960 This was the illegitimate variety. 181 00:12:13,660 --> 00:12:15,040 Only the guy didn't have any money. 182 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:18,380 This cattle prod killed the Queen. 183 00:12:19,180 --> 00:12:20,180 What? 184 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:25,020 The guy who stole this frigging cattle prod from electrocuted the Queen to 185 00:12:25,020 --> 00:12:26,020 death. You think so? 186 00:12:26,220 --> 00:12:27,220 You know he did. 187 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:33,800 You mean to tell me you gave a murderer a blowjob? It was detox week, Kenny. 188 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:37,120 He was a murderer, Byron. I frigging didn't know he was a murderer at the 189 00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:38,120 time, Kenny. 190 00:12:38,519 --> 00:12:41,420 Most cases you stick your hand down a guy's pocket, you expect to pull out a 191 00:12:41,420 --> 00:12:43,160 wallet, not a frigging cattle prod. 192 00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:44,660 You know, you're going to have to go to the police. 193 00:12:45,060 --> 00:12:47,100 You're going to have to hand it in. It's a piece of evidence. 194 00:12:47,460 --> 00:12:48,700 And what would you like me to tell them? 195 00:12:50,220 --> 00:12:52,000 Could I have a description of the murderer, please? 196 00:12:52,860 --> 00:12:53,860 Oh, 197 00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:55,860 he had a three and a half inch willy, sir. 198 00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,260 He did three and a half inch willy? 199 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:00,720 Aye. 200 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:04,240 You ever been in a dark room, Kenny? 201 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,340 It's dark as shite, can't see, fuck all. 202 00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:07,700 This murderer. 203 00:13:07,870 --> 00:13:10,750 I know he had a three and a half inch woolly and that's about all I know about 204 00:13:10,750 --> 00:13:12,350 him. Well, it was that dark, Byron. 205 00:13:13,170 --> 00:13:14,190 How did you even know that? 206 00:13:16,470 --> 00:13:17,910 Wasn't even as long as my fist. 207 00:13:22,890 --> 00:13:26,450 Finding your best mate's broke and backing the booze is probably bad enough 208 00:13:26,450 --> 00:13:27,450 already. 209 00:13:27,730 --> 00:13:31,330 But finding out that he's been blowing queers to subsidise his booze was 210 00:13:31,330 --> 00:13:32,330 presumably worse. 211 00:13:33,940 --> 00:13:37,280 However, finding out that the Queen's been electrocuted by a gay guy with a 212 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:40,080 cattle prod and a three and a half inch woolly was really queer news indeed. 213 00:13:40,660 --> 00:13:45,060 I guess I thought Kenny could be forgiven for thinking that things could 214 00:13:45,060 --> 00:13:46,060 hardly get any worse. 215 00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:48,620 I was to prove him wrong, of course. 216 00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:52,360 What the frig? What's the matter now? 217 00:13:52,780 --> 00:13:53,920 You tried to kiss me. 218 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:55,400 No. 219 00:13:55,580 --> 00:13:56,580 You did so. 220 00:13:57,320 --> 00:13:58,580 You tried to make a pass at me. 221 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:02,600 Byron, are you gay? 222 00:14:03,050 --> 00:14:04,810 No. Then what are you trying to kiss me for? 223 00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:06,210 I thought we were mates, Kenny? 224 00:14:07,150 --> 00:14:08,150 We are mates. 225 00:14:08,250 --> 00:14:10,810 But that doesn't mean you can kiss me. I mean, mates don't go around kissing each 226 00:14:10,810 --> 00:14:11,810 other whenever they feel like it. 227 00:14:14,130 --> 00:14:15,130 Kiss a blowjob. 228 00:14:18,350 --> 00:14:21,310 Kenny, this is a class-fied offensive weapon. Kiss a blowjob or else. 229 00:14:21,950 --> 00:14:25,270 Byron, there's no way I'm going to give you a blowjob. Do you understand? 230 00:14:25,790 --> 00:14:26,790 Go on, Kenny. 231 00:14:27,110 --> 00:14:28,670 It's not as if it's real gay sex. 232 00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:33,780 It's not as if it's anal, arsehole, sphincter, shitter, bum-banded, butt 233 00:14:33,780 --> 00:14:35,860 -fucker, penetrative type sex? 234 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:39,400 Are you for real? 235 00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:42,500 Are you? 236 00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:45,960 I'm only messing, Kelly. 237 00:14:46,340 --> 00:14:47,400 I'm messing with you. 238 00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:48,920 Vern, you've changed. 239 00:14:49,140 --> 00:14:50,500 You've really changed, you know that? 240 00:15:03,500 --> 00:15:04,700 I guess Kenny had a point. 241 00:15:05,420 --> 00:15:06,760 I guess I had changed. 242 00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:11,800 London must have changed me. I mean, I've never asked him for a blowjob 243 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:13,320 before. That much is true. 244 00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:19,320 But then again, he was one to talk. 245 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:24,360 I mean, it wasn't long before he was to become a practising poof either. 246 00:15:27,380 --> 00:15:31,660 Sure enough, what London had done to me, London would now do to Kenny. 247 00:15:32,220 --> 00:15:33,220 I need a pee. 248 00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:35,040 I need a drink. 249 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:37,400 I need a pee so I can have a drink. 250 00:15:37,620 --> 00:15:38,620 After my pee. 251 00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:40,480 So I don't need a drink. 252 00:15:41,500 --> 00:15:42,500 Byron. What? 253 00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:46,580 You got any of that money left on you? 254 00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:56,360 Here's my last fiver. The one and only. 255 00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:03,420 I think we should spend it now on breakfast, beverages and liquid lunch. 256 00:16:03,660 --> 00:16:04,660 I agree totally. 257 00:16:05,020 --> 00:16:12,000 Now, Kenny, bearing in mind your present physical condition, which at best 258 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:17,180 can only be described as fragile, which pub do you feel like you're capable of 259 00:16:17,180 --> 00:16:18,180 walking to? 260 00:16:28,810 --> 00:16:29,810 To Guinness' place. 261 00:16:33,510 --> 00:16:34,550 Here, can I? 262 00:16:35,030 --> 00:16:36,030 What? 263 00:16:36,650 --> 00:16:38,430 This here's a fucking gay pub. 264 00:16:39,290 --> 00:16:40,450 You're not funny, Byron. 265 00:16:41,490 --> 00:16:45,590 It appears to me that this here drinking establishment has an unusually high 266 00:16:45,590 --> 00:16:48,370 proportion of punters of a homosexual nature. 267 00:16:48,590 --> 00:16:50,270 Byron, you're not friggin' funny, are you? 268 00:16:53,250 --> 00:16:56,950 You see, the difference between me and you is... 269 00:16:57,390 --> 00:17:01,750 You look around this pub, and all you see is a lot of gay guys and homosexuals 270 00:17:01,750 --> 00:17:04,310 and queers and buttfuckers and faggots and poofs, right? 271 00:17:04,530 --> 00:17:09,670 Whereas me, whenever I look around this pub, I see a way of subsidising my gyro. 272 00:17:10,250 --> 00:17:11,250 Big time. 273 00:17:13,250 --> 00:17:15,490 Aaron, I'm not giving anyone a blowjob. 274 00:17:16,310 --> 00:17:18,710 Kenny, don't look at it as a blowjob. 275 00:17:19,310 --> 00:17:20,310 See it as work. 276 00:17:21,369 --> 00:17:23,069 Legitimate, lucrative work. 277 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,740 I'm not giving anyone a blowjob, all right? That's it, Kenny. Would I ask you 278 00:17:26,740 --> 00:17:28,300 to give anyone a blowjob? I wouldn't do that. 279 00:17:29,540 --> 00:17:30,540 Anyone I wouldn't. 280 00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:33,720 Just Jeff. 281 00:17:35,020 --> 00:17:36,480 Jeff? Aye, Jeff. 282 00:17:38,060 --> 00:17:38,460 Are 283 00:17:38,460 --> 00:17:47,400 you 284 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:48,400 for real, are you? 285 00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:49,760 What? 286 00:17:51,060 --> 00:17:52,060 Kenny! 287 00:17:52,410 --> 00:17:53,830 Barnes, it's just no friggin' way, all right? 288 00:17:54,170 --> 00:17:57,070 Look, do you want to ever be gainfully employed or what? 289 00:17:57,670 --> 00:18:00,310 Barnes, I'd rather be another teddy paddy sleeping on the streets of London, 290 00:18:00,450 --> 00:18:04,250 starving and freezing to death, than gainfully employed in that sort of work, 291 00:18:04,310 --> 00:18:05,750 all right? That sort of work it is now? Yeah. 292 00:18:35,660 --> 00:18:36,920 Welcome to my country cottage. 293 00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:40,740 It's a little cramped, but I'm sure it will do. 294 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:52,440 Breakfast is ready. 295 00:18:58,200 --> 00:18:59,200 Slow, 296 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:02,080 slow, slow down. 297 00:19:02,500 --> 00:19:05,060 No, no, too slow. Split the difference, split the difference. 298 00:19:05,470 --> 00:19:06,490 I know what you're thinking. 299 00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:10,690 You're probably thinking, how could he? But take it from me, and I should know, 300 00:19:10,810 --> 00:19:15,050 it was an easy choice to make. I mean, did Kenny really want to be just another 301 00:19:15,050 --> 00:19:18,790 homeless impoverished paddy sleeping on the streets of London? Did he, Frigg? 302 00:19:19,670 --> 00:19:22,250 Thank you. 303 00:19:23,190 --> 00:19:24,250 You did very well. 304 00:19:24,530 --> 00:19:25,530 You're a beginner. 305 00:19:25,650 --> 00:19:26,650 Excellent. 306 00:19:26,790 --> 00:19:32,070 And anyway, it's only a blowjob. I mean, it's not like it was real gay sex or 307 00:19:32,070 --> 00:19:35,650 anything. It's not like it was anal, arsehole, sphincter, shitter, bomb 308 00:19:35,650 --> 00:19:37,690 banded, penetrative type sex. No. 309 00:19:37,990 --> 00:19:39,790 All that Kenny was to do later. 310 00:19:40,110 --> 00:19:44,110 So, Kenny, who are you sleeping with at the moment? 311 00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:46,330 I'm staying at Byron's. 312 00:19:46,770 --> 00:19:52,430 What? A big boy like you, crammed into that tight, rancid little hole? 313 00:19:52,810 --> 00:19:54,890 Well, you know, you can always stay with me. 314 00:19:55,450 --> 00:19:56,730 I've got plenty of room. 315 00:19:57,790 --> 00:19:59,790 Out lives a wife by at least a decade. 316 00:20:00,230 --> 00:20:01,230 Room! 317 00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:06,560 Jeff, the horny bugger, had literally shagged his wife into an early grave. 318 00:20:06,860 --> 00:20:08,900 She died right there on the marble bed. 319 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:13,900 That was at least a decade ago. And yet, true to her memory, Jeff hadn't slept 320 00:20:13,900 --> 00:20:15,000 with another woman since. 321 00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:18,600 Entree, Kenny, dear. 322 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,000 Oh, Jeff. 323 00:20:22,940 --> 00:20:24,560 That's a big bed you have there. 324 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:26,440 Oh, Kenny, darling. 325 00:20:26,740 --> 00:20:29,660 You are showing your age. I've seen much bigger. 326 00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:31,880 But then again, I'm... 327 00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:34,240 Ventra is older than you are. 328 00:20:34,740 --> 00:20:37,540 Oh, I've been a terrible slut. 329 00:20:37,740 --> 00:20:39,260 I have, yes. 330 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:45,140 You know, I've had and been had, sit down, on beds much bigger than this one. 331 00:20:45,460 --> 00:20:51,940 But never, never in my whole life have I ever been had on a bed as big as 332 00:20:51,940 --> 00:20:53,220 Golders Green's bed. 333 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:56,640 Who the frig is Golders Green? He's the Queen's lover. 334 00:21:03,310 --> 00:21:04,249 Golders Green. 335 00:21:04,250 --> 00:21:07,890 No one knew his real name. In fact, no one knew anything at all about him, 336 00:21:07,930 --> 00:21:10,490 other than the fact he lived somewhere in Golders Green. 337 00:21:11,690 --> 00:21:12,730 Jesus Christ. 338 00:21:19,550 --> 00:21:21,150 He was very discreet, you see. 339 00:21:21,950 --> 00:21:23,510 He was an orthodox Jew. 340 00:21:40,179 --> 00:21:43,620 So, was there your, um, boyfriend then, sir? 341 00:21:44,460 --> 00:21:45,860 No, he was not my boyfriend. 342 00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:47,460 I'm an orthodox Jew, please. 343 00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:49,900 He was my friend, just my friend. I see. 344 00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:51,640 Your friend. 345 00:21:52,140 --> 00:21:55,540 Well, would you happen to know if he had any other friends, sir? 346 00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:57,740 No. No friends. 347 00:21:57,980 --> 00:22:00,160 What about enemies, then? I mean, was there anyone else? 348 00:22:00,500 --> 00:22:03,740 No, there was nobody else. We never went out. We stayed in. 349 00:22:04,020 --> 00:22:08,240 We stayed in bed all day and every day. Just me and my... my friend. 350 00:22:11,169 --> 00:22:13,410 Blimey. That is a big bed for us. 351 00:22:13,630 --> 00:22:15,110 So his bed was bigger than yours? 352 00:22:15,450 --> 00:22:16,970 Well, it had to be. 353 00:22:17,230 --> 00:22:21,750 You see, they say that's where he kept all his money. 354 00:22:22,050 --> 00:22:24,730 Why would he hide his money in his bed? Well, it makes more sense than what it 355 00:22:24,730 --> 00:22:28,290 sounds. You see, they practically lived in the bed. 356 00:22:28,510 --> 00:22:33,270 I mean, they did everything in the bed. They ate in the bed. They shagged in the 357 00:22:33,270 --> 00:22:35,250 bed. They even slept in the bed. 358 00:22:37,750 --> 00:22:44,620 And they also say... that every time the Queen let Gigi have him, he 359 00:22:44,620 --> 00:22:50,220 would reach in the mattress and pull out. Thank you, Your Majesty. 360 00:22:50,500 --> 00:22:51,500 A wad of cash. 361 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:56,400 It's what you might call a majestous discreet. Thank you, Goldilocks. A 362 00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:57,400 service. 363 00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:01,680 Well, you'd think whoever murdered the Queen took the gold of the Queen's 364 00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:07,200 money. That is a possibility. After all, the Queen used to find a different lover 365 00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:09,500 every... Friday night. 366 00:23:10,700 --> 00:23:15,260 Friday night, when Golders Green was off to synagogue, the Queen would make a 367 00:23:15,260 --> 00:23:19,440 similar pilgrimage to his own Mecca. Keep the bed warm, Your Majesty. 368 00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:21,460 Goldie Locks is off to synagogue. 369 00:23:57,420 --> 00:24:01,340 The Queen might not have been Jewish, but he did nonetheless have a religious 370 00:24:01,340 --> 00:24:02,400 bent of his own. 371 00:24:02,780 --> 00:24:08,920 Indeed, he was positively zealous in his picking up of new converts to his own 372 00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:09,920 faith. 373 00:24:12,060 --> 00:24:13,060 Why? 374 00:24:14,860 --> 00:24:16,140 You're a big boy. 375 00:24:16,660 --> 00:24:17,660 Oh, 376 00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:22,740 whoever the Queen picked up on that fateful Friday night must have murdered 377 00:24:22,740 --> 00:24:24,360 him and stolen the money. 378 00:24:24,620 --> 00:24:25,620 Murder took the money. 379 00:24:27,130 --> 00:24:27,869 That's right. 380 00:24:27,870 --> 00:24:30,670 Yes, very good, Sherlock Holmes. You are clever. 381 00:24:30,890 --> 00:24:35,330 But enough of all these terrible, depressing stories of murder and mayhem 382 00:24:35,330 --> 00:24:36,049 and horror. 383 00:24:36,050 --> 00:24:38,730 That's not why we're here. We're here to have a nice time together. 384 00:24:39,110 --> 00:24:40,110 Aren't we? 385 00:24:49,410 --> 00:24:50,590 Rough night last night? 386 00:24:54,050 --> 00:24:55,770 Yeah. I caught that. 387 00:24:58,160 --> 00:24:59,160 What happened there? 388 00:25:00,300 --> 00:25:01,300 What happened where? 389 00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:04,160 There? 390 00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:08,280 Jeff. 391 00:25:09,660 --> 00:25:14,160 Jeff died, appropriately enough, like his wife before him a decade ago, on the 392 00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:18,640 marital bed. In the end, Jeff, also like his poor wife before him, had literally 393 00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:19,840 shagged himself to death. 394 00:25:20,300 --> 00:25:23,560 Jeff had shagged himself into dead gay guy number two. 395 00:25:33,260 --> 00:25:34,260 Haven't you? 396 00:25:34,620 --> 00:25:35,680 I'd love to see a Kenny. 397 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:38,580 I've never taken a guy off the bum before. 398 00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:40,720 You haven't? 399 00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:41,880 No. 400 00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:43,180 I don't do penetration. 401 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:46,040 Sure, I'm not even gay. 402 00:25:46,340 --> 00:25:47,600 You aren't? No. 403 00:25:48,940 --> 00:25:49,940 Kenny. 404 00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:52,080 Are you gay? 405 00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:55,420 No, I'm not gay, Byron. 406 00:25:56,300 --> 00:25:57,940 It's the same as having sex with a woman. 407 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:00,040 Except it's a man. 408 00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:03,520 Anyway, it's work. Legitimate lucrative work. You said so yourself. 409 00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:05,520 Work, Kenny? 410 00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:07,720 You shagged the guy to death. 411 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:11,960 I don't think you quite grasped the severity of the situation here. The poor 412 00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:12,960 bugger's dead. 413 00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:17,980 And I still mugged you a jar a week. 414 00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:23,520 I mean, where are we going to go for money now? 415 00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:26,200 Kenny knew I was right. 416 00:26:26,750 --> 00:26:29,770 I mean, did we really want to be just another two homeless impoverished 417 00:26:29,770 --> 00:26:31,250 paddies sleeping on the streets of London? 418 00:26:31,610 --> 00:26:32,690 Did we, Frigg? 419 00:26:34,030 --> 00:26:37,990 No. We'd much rather sleep on... Golders Green's bed. 420 00:26:41,410 --> 00:26:42,410 Golders Green's bed? 421 00:26:43,930 --> 00:26:46,750 Everyone knows there's money hidden inside Golders Green's bed. Kenny, 422 00:26:46,850 --> 00:26:48,310 that's just a myth. 423 00:26:48,510 --> 00:26:49,510 A rumour. 424 00:26:49,730 --> 00:26:52,370 Everyone knows there's no bread in the bed. No. 425 00:26:52,570 --> 00:26:53,710 Not now there isn't. 426 00:26:54,350 --> 00:26:56,970 What? Well, the murderer has stolen it all, hasn't he? 427 00:26:57,430 --> 00:26:58,309 What murderer? 428 00:26:58,310 --> 00:26:59,310 The Queen's murderer. 429 00:26:59,930 --> 00:27:02,610 Find the Queen's murderer and you'll find Golders Green's money. 430 00:27:05,430 --> 00:27:07,890 And just how do you propose that we find this murderer, Kenny? 431 00:27:08,410 --> 00:27:10,050 I mean, we know nothing at all about him. 432 00:27:10,250 --> 00:27:11,250 Yes, we do. 433 00:27:11,290 --> 00:27:12,450 He's a three and a half inch willy. 434 00:27:16,330 --> 00:27:17,330 Barn, where are you going? 435 00:27:18,810 --> 00:27:21,010 Margaret. Margaret, who the frig is Margaret? 436 00:27:21,430 --> 00:27:24,050 I thought we looked for a gay guy with a three and a half inch willy. We are. 437 00:27:24,540 --> 00:27:27,880 It's the second closest pub to the flat. It's got a back room. A back room? 438 00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:30,180 Byron, I'm not going near any back room, all right? 439 00:27:30,420 --> 00:27:33,220 Look, Kenny, we're looking for a guy with a three and a half inch woolly, 440 00:27:33,300 --> 00:27:36,420 right? Yeah. Well, as you can imagine, it can be rather difficult to find a 441 00:27:36,420 --> 00:27:40,720 woolly that tiny, even at the best of times. But if, if such a wee woolly 442 00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:43,180 actually does exist, it's only in the back room that we're probably going to 443 00:27:43,180 --> 00:27:43,919 find it. 444 00:27:43,920 --> 00:27:44,920 Do you understand me? 445 00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:47,100 It seems perfectly logical to me. 446 00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:53,260 And anyway, it's where Donkey Dick's art hangs out. 447 00:27:54,500 --> 00:27:57,620 Donkey Dick Dark? Who the freak is Donkey Dick Dark? 448 00:28:06,460 --> 00:28:10,920 In a world where all that counts is the size of your willy, Donkey Dick Dark 449 00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:11,879 ruled supreme. 450 00:28:11,880 --> 00:28:13,380 He was the willy expert. 451 00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:18,020 If there was a three and a half inch willy out there, then Donkey Dick Dark 452 00:28:18,020 --> 00:28:21,400 would have heard about it. In other words... We had to find a big dick to 453 00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:24,140 find a small dick to find the Queen's murderer to find the money hidden in 454 00:28:24,140 --> 00:28:26,080 Golders Green's bed. It was quite complicated. 455 00:28:26,300 --> 00:28:30,360 In other words, we had to find... Donkey Dick Dark. 456 00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:38,080 Three and a half inches. 457 00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:41,380 That guy's got a bollock to me. 458 00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:44,140 The Queen would never have taken anything like that. 459 00:28:44,500 --> 00:28:45,500 No? 460 00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:47,160 No. 461 00:28:47,380 --> 00:28:49,000 The Queen likes her dicks big. 462 00:28:49,930 --> 00:28:50,930 The girl had class. 463 00:28:51,730 --> 00:28:53,070 That girl had taste. 464 00:28:54,010 --> 00:28:57,510 I mean, why do you think they called her the 7-Eleven? 465 00:28:57,790 --> 00:28:58,790 7-Eleven? 466 00:28:59,170 --> 00:29:00,710 What's the difference in 7-Eleven? 467 00:29:02,190 --> 00:29:04,750 That's a 7, and that's an 11. 468 00:29:05,370 --> 00:29:10,730 Anything in between was big enough and classy enough for her royal highness. 469 00:29:11,410 --> 00:29:16,370 Anything bigger parted Golders Green's really hard red bull test. 470 00:29:16,790 --> 00:29:18,890 Golders Green's really hard red bull test? 471 00:29:19,340 --> 00:29:21,560 What the frig is Golders Green's really hard red bull's head? 472 00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:33,980 Golders Green's really hard red bull's head was the one singular reason why 473 00:29:33,980 --> 00:29:38,040 Golders Green, on that rarest of occasions, could be seen outside of 474 00:29:38,040 --> 00:29:39,060 Golders Green. 475 00:29:50,410 --> 00:29:53,690 Are you man enough to pass the really hard Red Bull test? 476 00:29:54,510 --> 00:29:55,990 Two cans of Red Bull. 477 00:29:57,010 --> 00:29:58,010 Really long. 478 00:29:58,410 --> 00:29:59,410 Really strong. 479 00:29:59,870 --> 00:30:00,870 Really hard. 480 00:30:02,470 --> 00:30:07,930 Now that motherfucker is what's commonly known as the Golders Green. Really hard. 481 00:30:10,790 --> 00:30:11,890 Red Bull test. 482 00:30:14,650 --> 00:30:15,650 Flip me, Kenny. 483 00:30:15,910 --> 00:30:17,610 That is really hard. 484 00:30:17,810 --> 00:30:18,850 Surely that ain't possible. 485 00:30:19,370 --> 00:30:22,030 If so, please contact Golders Green. 486 00:30:22,830 --> 00:30:25,190 Two cans of Red Bull long. 487 00:30:26,330 --> 00:30:28,170 But surely no one can be that big. 488 00:30:28,450 --> 00:30:29,910 Surely no one can be that lucky. 489 00:30:30,890 --> 00:30:34,190 Rick, two cans of Red Bull, please. 490 00:30:42,330 --> 00:30:47,850 True to its name, Golders Green's really hard Red Bull test was indeed really 491 00:30:47,850 --> 00:30:50,260 hard. But it wasn't, however, impossible. 492 00:30:50,900 --> 00:30:55,000 I mean, how else do you think the Queen and Golders Green got it together in the 493 00:30:55,000 --> 00:30:56,000 first place? 494 00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:15,320 Hi. 495 00:31:15,900 --> 00:31:17,320 They call me the Queen. 496 00:31:19,980 --> 00:31:21,460 You can call me your majesty. 497 00:31:23,940 --> 00:31:25,000 Come in. Come in. 498 00:31:25,580 --> 00:31:27,400 Quickly, before somebody sees you. 499 00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:31,440 I have to be a bit discreet. I'm an orthodox Jew. 500 00:31:31,980 --> 00:31:38,660 If the queen was, as you say, murdered for the bread in the bed, 501 00:31:38,860 --> 00:31:43,180 then my informed guess is you're not looking for an old three-and-a-half-inch 502 00:31:43,180 --> 00:31:44,480 dick. No. 503 00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:46,040 Take it from me. 504 00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:47,680 You don't want to be doing none of that. 505 00:31:48,140 --> 00:31:49,520 Some old dead shit. 506 00:31:50,060 --> 00:31:53,480 You want to be looking for the Iron Lady? 507 00:31:55,360 --> 00:31:56,360 No, no. 508 00:31:56,760 --> 00:31:59,060 Not the Iron Lady. I'm afraid so, boys. 509 00:31:59,420 --> 00:32:00,420 You know how they think. 510 00:32:01,700 --> 00:32:05,560 Where there's money, there's the Iron Lady. I don't want to fuck with Iron 511 00:32:05,560 --> 00:32:07,860 Lady. Who the frig is the Iron Lady? 512 00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:21,860 The Iron Lady was Margaret, and Margaret was a managerette. 513 00:32:23,340 --> 00:32:30,040 Besides what both Kenny and myself put together, she was of an 514 00:32:30,040 --> 00:32:32,780 ample weight, all of which she tended to push around. 515 00:32:33,180 --> 00:32:34,180 That's disgusting! 516 00:32:34,380 --> 00:32:35,660 Absolutely disgusting! 517 00:32:36,300 --> 00:32:39,060 I'm not having any disgusting heterosexual behaviour in my pub! 518 00:32:39,340 --> 00:32:40,340 Help! 519 00:32:51,280 --> 00:32:57,540 Looking at a woman this fat and scary, I could begin to understand 520 00:32:57,540 --> 00:33:01,720 why it is that guys should choose the shy guys. 521 00:33:02,060 --> 00:33:04,600 And that is the Iron Lady. 522 00:33:05,880 --> 00:33:10,040 That woman, as you might say, is your man. 523 00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:12,700 You think she's a murderer? 524 00:33:12,960 --> 00:33:14,280 Surely she wouldn't have a penis. 525 00:33:14,580 --> 00:33:17,260 I mean, not even a tiny one, you know, like three and a half inches. 526 00:33:17,900 --> 00:33:18,900 Would she? 527 00:33:19,280 --> 00:33:20,280 No. 528 00:33:21,000 --> 00:33:22,360 She wouldn't have a penis, no. 529 00:33:23,020 --> 00:33:27,600 But the three West African brothers, now they no doubt would be packing their 530 00:33:27,600 --> 00:33:28,600 dicks. 531 00:33:31,660 --> 00:33:33,880 The Iron Lady had it all sorted. 532 00:33:34,300 --> 00:33:38,920 Not only was she taking money through the front at the bar, but she was also 533 00:33:38,920 --> 00:33:43,680 making money off the punters through the back in exchange for other under-the 534 00:33:43,680 --> 00:33:44,720 -counter services. 535 00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:50,260 The brothers then were the other services, whereas the father... 536 00:33:50,490 --> 00:33:51,289 Was a punter. 537 00:33:51,290 --> 00:33:53,570 I've never had wet African before. 538 00:33:54,550 --> 00:33:56,190 Well, it's all the first time. 539 00:33:56,570 --> 00:33:57,650 So go on. 540 00:33:57,970 --> 00:33:59,330 Take your pick, father. 541 00:33:59,610 --> 00:34:01,110 Oh, I couldn't possibly choose. 542 00:34:01,790 --> 00:34:03,910 They're all so tasty. 543 00:34:04,430 --> 00:34:06,110 Well, which one do you like? 544 00:34:06,310 --> 00:34:07,310 I would like them all. 545 00:34:07,810 --> 00:34:08,830 You want them all? 546 00:34:09,449 --> 00:34:10,830 Because that can be a rain. 547 00:34:11,389 --> 00:34:13,050 You know what I like to say? 548 00:34:13,969 --> 00:34:17,210 Where there's money, there's love. 549 00:34:18,030 --> 00:34:19,889 And that's exactly what he did. 550 00:34:20,489 --> 00:34:25,290 The father proceeded to have them all, one at a time. There were three West 551 00:34:25,290 --> 00:34:29,810 African brothers altogether, the youngest being only 14 years old. 552 00:34:30,070 --> 00:34:31,070 He's how old? 553 00:34:34,570 --> 00:34:35,570 14. 554 00:34:37,330 --> 00:34:38,489 Only 14? 555 00:34:39,090 --> 00:34:41,389 Yes, only 14. 556 00:34:42,170 --> 00:34:43,850 You've had your love, father. 557 00:34:45,850 --> 00:34:47,429 Now pay your money. 558 00:34:48,750 --> 00:34:50,409 But I don't have any money. 559 00:34:51,290 --> 00:34:54,550 Well, then you just have to pay me in kind, won't you? 560 00:34:55,889 --> 00:34:56,889 No. 561 00:34:57,430 --> 00:34:58,430 No. 562 00:34:59,330 --> 00:35:06,290 In the end, love costs a father 563 00:35:06,290 --> 00:35:07,470 very dearly indeed. 564 00:35:08,290 --> 00:35:11,350 Because where there's money, there's the Iron Lady. 565 00:35:11,550 --> 00:35:14,290 And you don't want to fuck with the Iron Lady. 566 00:35:15,590 --> 00:35:17,430 Not when it comes to money, you don't. 567 00:35:18,370 --> 00:35:21,050 Believe me, money's important. 568 00:35:22,230 --> 00:35:23,550 But it's not that important. 569 00:35:26,150 --> 00:35:27,390 Burns, where are you going now? 570 00:35:27,910 --> 00:35:29,270 We're going back to the elephant's graveyard. 571 00:35:29,510 --> 00:35:30,790 What about Golden Scream's money? 572 00:35:32,270 --> 00:35:36,030 Look, Penny, there's some things that even I don't do for money. And don't 573 00:35:36,030 --> 00:35:39,230 fuck with the Iron Lady. I wouldn't like to sleep with the Iron Lady either. 574 00:35:39,490 --> 00:35:40,490 Me neither. 575 00:35:41,810 --> 00:35:44,750 And besides, there's easier ways of making money than trying to find a three 576 00:35:44,750 --> 00:35:45,750 and a half inch willy. 577 00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:47,880 You're better off looking for UFOs. 578 00:35:48,860 --> 00:35:52,300 Go look for UFOs. Aye, ugly, fat oldies. 579 00:35:53,260 --> 00:35:55,640 Now that Jeff is dead, I need a new benefactor. 580 00:35:55,900 --> 00:36:00,440 And there's none as ugly, none as fat, and none as old as old Nick. 581 00:36:00,920 --> 00:36:03,420 Hi, Nick. 582 00:36:05,680 --> 00:36:06,680 Meet Kenny. 583 00:36:07,020 --> 00:36:08,180 He's just over from Ireland. 584 00:36:08,720 --> 00:36:11,000 Kenny, say hello to Nick. 585 00:36:12,120 --> 00:36:14,680 I don't need to know his name, Byron. I just need to know... 586 00:36:17,870 --> 00:36:18,970 What's monogamous mean? 587 00:36:21,130 --> 00:36:24,630 Monogamous means, my dear boy, does he keep a boyfriend? 588 00:36:26,310 --> 00:36:30,830 Or does he sleep around with other people as well in a more modern 589 00:36:30,830 --> 00:36:31,830 relationship? 590 00:36:32,490 --> 00:36:33,710 We're not in a relationship. 591 00:36:34,430 --> 00:36:35,430 We're just mates. 592 00:36:37,170 --> 00:36:38,170 You're not attached. 593 00:36:39,850 --> 00:36:40,850 How wonderful. 594 00:36:43,450 --> 00:36:44,750 You wouldn't be, uh... 595 00:36:49,919 --> 00:36:51,200 No, why'd you say no, Byron? 596 00:36:51,780 --> 00:36:55,120 Kenny, do you really want to shag me? I sure as hell don't want to shag you. 597 00:36:55,860 --> 00:36:57,920 Kenny, we're mates, and mates don't shag each other. 598 00:36:58,220 --> 00:37:00,140 Yeah, but it's work, Byron. It's money, you know. 599 00:37:00,520 --> 00:37:01,960 Kenny, shagging each other is a bum. 600 00:37:02,320 --> 00:37:05,680 It's penetration, and I don't take it or give it for that matter. Well, I don't 601 00:37:05,680 --> 00:37:06,920 like it up the bum either. 602 00:37:07,220 --> 00:37:09,560 Nor me. I don't like it that way either. 603 00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:10,759 No, dear. 604 00:37:10,760 --> 00:37:11,860 No. Me? 605 00:37:12,420 --> 00:37:15,480 I ain't going back to earning a proper, decent, respectable living. 606 00:37:15,980 --> 00:37:18,200 Or in other words, I went back to blowjob. 607 00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:20,480 Donkey Dick Don. 608 00:37:20,820 --> 00:37:24,300 I wonder if you might happen to know of any sad bugger who's not only desperate 609 00:37:24,300 --> 00:37:28,640 enough, but also sexually repugnant to such an acute degree as to have little 610 00:37:28,640 --> 00:37:31,120 choice other than to pay me to give him a blowjob. 611 00:37:31,700 --> 00:37:32,700 By any chance? 612 00:37:36,300 --> 00:37:37,320 Yeah, I do, actually. 613 00:37:39,460 --> 00:37:40,720 And I'm a desperate dwarf. 614 00:37:42,020 --> 00:37:42,979 Desperate dwarf? 615 00:37:42,980 --> 00:37:44,440 Yeah. You know. 616 00:37:45,230 --> 00:37:46,230 He's a dwarf. 617 00:37:46,610 --> 00:37:48,190 He's about three and a half feet tall. 618 00:37:49,330 --> 00:37:50,330 And he's desperate. 619 00:37:51,410 --> 00:37:55,590 And naturally, it goes without saying, he ain't one of the brothers. 620 00:37:57,230 --> 00:37:59,030 He's about three and a half feet tall. 621 00:38:00,170 --> 00:38:01,170 Yeah. 622 00:38:01,850 --> 00:38:02,850 Three and a half. 623 00:38:03,090 --> 00:38:04,090 Three and a half? 624 00:38:04,550 --> 00:38:05,550 Three and a half? 625 00:38:05,850 --> 00:38:07,490 So what if I'm only three and a half? 626 00:38:07,870 --> 00:38:09,310 So what if I am small? 627 00:38:11,010 --> 00:38:12,090 Size isn't everything. 628 00:38:12,330 --> 00:38:14,190 I mean, I may not be huge. 629 00:38:14,750 --> 00:38:19,350 But after all, it's only a matter of inches we're talking about here. 630 00:38:20,930 --> 00:38:22,750 Inches? Yes, inches. 631 00:38:23,130 --> 00:38:24,130 Don't you mean feet? 632 00:38:24,310 --> 00:38:26,350 You know, three and a half feet? 633 00:38:26,610 --> 00:38:27,610 No, inches. 634 00:38:27,950 --> 00:38:29,070 Three and a half inches. 635 00:38:30,670 --> 00:38:32,330 No, he meant inches, all right. 636 00:38:33,010 --> 00:38:37,150 Coincidentally enough, not only was he three and a half feet tall, he was also 637 00:38:37,150 --> 00:38:38,410 only three and a half inches long. 638 00:38:39,190 --> 00:38:43,250 I had found our three and a half inch willy and we had found our murderer. 639 00:38:43,550 --> 00:38:45,190 No. Three and a half inches. 640 00:38:45,490 --> 00:38:46,490 That's the problem. 641 00:38:47,110 --> 00:38:48,910 No one will take anything under four. 642 00:38:49,250 --> 00:38:50,610 They say it's too small. 643 00:38:50,870 --> 00:38:51,870 They say it's painful. 644 00:38:52,190 --> 00:38:56,670 But I'm telling you, whenever it comes to penetration, there's always got to be 645 00:38:56,670 --> 00:38:58,990 a thin line between pain and pleasure. 646 00:38:59,370 --> 00:39:03,710 No, no, no. I only agreed to a blowjob, and no one said anything about 647 00:39:03,710 --> 00:39:05,950 penetration. So what? What's the difference? 648 00:39:07,790 --> 00:39:08,910 Well, I'm not gay, right? 649 00:39:09,190 --> 00:39:12,470 Yeah. If someone's gay, I might enjoy it. No, no. It's under four inches. 650 00:39:12,670 --> 00:39:13,499 It'll hurt. 651 00:39:13,500 --> 00:39:15,940 I'm telling you, you won't enjoy it. Well, if I'm not going to enjoy it, then 652 00:39:15,940 --> 00:39:16,980 I'm definitely not up for it. 653 00:39:17,340 --> 00:39:18,340 I'm sorry. 654 00:39:18,940 --> 00:39:19,940 I think you'd better go. 655 00:39:20,440 --> 00:39:22,500 Oh, not again. 656 00:39:30,660 --> 00:39:31,660 Yeah, right? 657 00:39:32,560 --> 00:39:36,420 As it happened, being a short arse wasn't a problem for him. He didn't mind 658 00:39:36,420 --> 00:39:40,360 that so much. But having a wee willy, well, that drove him round to bed. That 659 00:39:40,360 --> 00:39:41,660 drove him flipping mental. 660 00:39:42,120 --> 00:39:45,480 I mean, this was one seriously desperate dwarf we're talking about here. 661 00:39:46,220 --> 00:39:49,560 Don't you touch me! This is a Class 5 offensive weapon. 662 00:39:50,720 --> 00:39:52,920 I know it's a Class 5 offensive weapon. 663 00:39:53,700 --> 00:39:55,820 It's my Class 5 offensive weapon. 664 00:39:56,600 --> 00:39:57,920 I lost it that night. 665 00:40:07,580 --> 00:40:08,580 That night? 666 00:40:08,780 --> 00:40:10,640 That night you murdered the Queen. 667 00:40:12,680 --> 00:40:14,820 Yeah. So, where's the money? 668 00:40:15,120 --> 00:40:18,780 What money? The money you stole from Gordos Green after you killed the Queen. 669 00:40:19,220 --> 00:40:20,800 The money hid inside the bed. 670 00:40:21,120 --> 00:40:23,400 The money inside the bed? What bed? 671 00:40:23,700 --> 00:40:24,700 What do you mean, what bed? 672 00:40:24,900 --> 00:40:27,540 The biggest bed in the entire world, Gordos Green's bed. 673 00:40:27,980 --> 00:40:29,620 I didn't get as far as his bed. 674 00:40:41,230 --> 00:40:46,330 But I never usually take anything under heaven, let alone four inches. 675 00:40:46,690 --> 00:40:47,690 Four inches? 676 00:40:49,850 --> 00:40:52,950 Shit. Well, anything shorter than four inches, it's pure hell. 677 00:40:53,270 --> 00:40:54,650 It doesn't go in properly. 678 00:40:54,930 --> 00:40:58,270 In it, it just lingers around the edge. 679 00:40:58,530 --> 00:40:59,870 Forever teething. 680 00:41:01,090 --> 00:41:02,150 Never penetrating. 681 00:41:03,430 --> 00:41:04,450 Pain without pleasure. 682 00:41:05,330 --> 00:41:06,330 No fun. 683 00:41:07,370 --> 00:41:08,370 No fun. 684 00:41:08,610 --> 00:41:10,290 I won't let go. I promise you. 685 00:41:10,600 --> 00:41:11,600 I won't linger. 686 00:41:13,120 --> 00:41:14,120 No. 687 00:41:14,320 --> 00:41:15,420 I'm afraid it's no good. 688 00:41:15,680 --> 00:41:18,220 I've tried it once before and never again. 689 00:41:18,720 --> 00:41:21,480 I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that I couldn't sit down for a whole 690 00:41:21,480 --> 00:41:22,480 fortnight afterwards. 691 00:41:23,160 --> 00:41:27,800 It was, and you'll have to pardon the pun, a real pain in the arse. 692 00:41:28,960 --> 00:41:32,680 No, when it comes to my bottom, I'm afraid four inches is the bottom. 693 00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:33,880 Anything less? 694 00:41:34,060 --> 00:41:35,940 No go. In fact, I think you'd better go. 695 00:41:36,200 --> 00:41:39,060 Please, don't. Don't make me go. Don't make me beg for Christ's sake. 696 00:41:39,770 --> 00:41:41,370 No, don't. I'll beg. 697 00:41:41,570 --> 00:41:42,189 I'll beg. 698 00:41:42,190 --> 00:41:43,410 I'll do anything for you. 699 00:41:43,990 --> 00:41:48,330 Do you know, I thought it would turn me on to be taken by a midget. 700 00:41:48,910 --> 00:41:51,170 Sort of kinky, you know. 701 00:41:51,390 --> 00:41:52,390 I'm not a midget. 702 00:41:52,550 --> 00:41:53,550 I'm a dwarf. 703 00:41:53,810 --> 00:41:54,810 Whatever. 704 00:41:55,970 --> 00:41:59,710 Small is small, and I like big. 705 00:42:00,030 --> 00:42:00,948 But I'm a dwarf. 706 00:42:00,950 --> 00:42:01,950 What do you expect? 707 00:42:02,650 --> 00:42:06,910 Well, I was rather expecting that long, hard thing which I felt earlier. 708 00:42:07,130 --> 00:42:08,130 Long, hard thing? 709 00:42:10,120 --> 00:42:11,160 What will I say? 710 00:42:12,100 --> 00:42:13,100 My. 711 00:42:14,280 --> 00:42:15,780 You're a big boy. 712 00:42:16,900 --> 00:42:18,160 You trying to be funny? 713 00:42:18,920 --> 00:42:19,920 No. 714 00:42:21,340 --> 00:42:22,340 No. 715 00:42:24,200 --> 00:42:25,260 Not at all. 716 00:42:27,040 --> 00:42:29,160 You are a big boy. 717 00:42:30,720 --> 00:42:32,960 And hard to be. 718 00:42:45,900 --> 00:42:47,320 Oh, you mean this long-haired thing? 719 00:42:47,560 --> 00:42:49,000 Oh, my God. What's that? 720 00:42:49,280 --> 00:42:50,280 A cattle prod. 721 00:42:50,360 --> 00:42:51,360 Oh, is that what it is? 722 00:42:51,980 --> 00:42:53,420 What were you going to do with it, darling? 723 00:42:54,280 --> 00:42:55,078 Electrocute me? 724 00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:58,260 Or shove it up my arse? Well, I was hoping you'd shove it up my arse, 725 00:42:58,260 --> 00:42:59,260 actually. 726 00:42:59,680 --> 00:43:01,520 I think you'd better go, don't you? 727 00:43:01,900 --> 00:43:04,280 This is also a class 5 offensive weapon. 728 00:43:05,320 --> 00:43:09,620 You know, I swear, I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of. A cattle prod? 729 00:43:10,380 --> 00:43:14,760 Or a three-and-a-half-inch knotler? This isn't funny. This is a very dangerous 730 00:43:14,760 --> 00:43:15,760 weapon. 731 00:43:22,990 --> 00:43:24,510 It's just like you, my little darling. 732 00:43:25,130 --> 00:43:28,070 All charged up and no one to blow. 733 00:43:29,590 --> 00:43:30,590 Oh. 734 00:43:35,950 --> 00:43:38,490 So you didn't actually get to see the bed then? 735 00:43:38,770 --> 00:43:39,770 No. 736 00:43:40,510 --> 00:43:46,190 So if there was money actually hidden inside the bed, then it's probably still 737 00:43:46,190 --> 00:43:47,190 there, do you think? 738 00:43:47,210 --> 00:43:49,490 There's money inside Golders Green's bed? 739 00:43:50,090 --> 00:43:51,150 Well, that's what they say. 740 00:43:51,530 --> 00:43:52,530 Hey, Byron. 741 00:43:57,130 --> 00:44:00,650 If I'm not mistaken, didn't that dwarf have a three and a half inch wing? 742 00:44:04,790 --> 00:44:06,830 Taxi! Yeah, I know. 743 00:44:07,530 --> 00:44:09,170 He's the guy we've been looking for, Kenny. 744 00:44:09,690 --> 00:44:10,690 He's the murderer. 745 00:44:10,950 --> 00:44:11,950 He's the murderer? 746 00:44:11,970 --> 00:44:13,570 Listen, guess who I've just seen? 747 00:44:14,510 --> 00:44:17,630 Byron, you gave a dwarf a blowjob. Never mind that, Kenny. 748 00:44:17,970 --> 00:44:18,970 The dwarf. 749 00:44:19,010 --> 00:44:20,070 The desperate dwarf. 750 00:44:20,350 --> 00:44:21,990 He didn't steal Goldish Green's money. 751 00:44:22,310 --> 00:44:24,150 I know. That's what I've been trying to tell you. 752 00:44:24,700 --> 00:44:26,520 Who the frig is the guy in the hat, donkey dick? 753 00:44:29,280 --> 00:44:33,800 Well, behold thee, sight and taste of a succulent slice of panani. 754 00:44:34,280 --> 00:44:35,860 If it isn't Golders Green himself. 755 00:44:37,120 --> 00:44:38,120 Golders Green? 756 00:44:38,160 --> 00:44:41,620 What's that dude doing in here? He hasn't been in the hood since he 757 00:44:41,620 --> 00:44:42,620 advertised. 758 00:44:44,760 --> 00:44:46,000 He's really hard. 759 00:44:46,380 --> 00:44:47,480 Red bull test. 760 00:44:48,480 --> 00:44:52,280 With the Queen dead, Golders Green was looking for an heir to fill his vacant 761 00:44:52,280 --> 00:44:53,880 throne and his vacant bed. 762 00:44:54,270 --> 00:44:57,830 We concluded, therefore, that there must have been significant funds left in the 763 00:44:57,830 --> 00:45:02,810 royal treasury, as it were. Or, in other words, his bed might have been vacant, 764 00:45:02,930 --> 00:45:04,810 but it probably wasn't empty. 765 00:45:06,350 --> 00:45:10,350 Karen, I think it's about time we pay Golders Green a visit. Don't you? 766 00:45:10,550 --> 00:45:11,550 I agree totally. 767 00:45:12,310 --> 00:45:14,630 But, Barry, how are we going to get there? 768 00:45:14,910 --> 00:45:17,870 No one knows exactly when Golders Green, at Golders Green, lives. 769 00:45:18,110 --> 00:45:21,790 Kenny, the really hard red bull test isn't the only way of getting there. 770 00:45:22,170 --> 00:45:23,170 It isn't? No. 771 00:45:23,660 --> 00:45:24,980 We can always take a minicab. 772 00:45:27,080 --> 00:45:28,080 A minicab? 773 00:45:28,760 --> 00:45:32,220 Aye. Dick Cheese Deepak knows where everybody lives. 774 00:45:32,660 --> 00:45:33,860 Dick Cheese Deepak? 775 00:45:34,660 --> 00:45:36,740 Who the frig is Dick Cheese Deepak? 776 00:45:37,440 --> 00:45:39,980 Dick Cheese Deepak was the minicab driver. 777 00:45:40,260 --> 00:45:43,660 He wasn't the greatest driver, but he did know where Golders Green was. 778 00:45:43,960 --> 00:45:47,820 He wasn't the worst driver either, but he was more than a little partial to the 779 00:45:47,820 --> 00:45:48,840 professional blowjob. 780 00:45:49,100 --> 00:45:50,100 Deepak! 781 00:45:50,400 --> 00:45:52,480 Deepak! Oh, is that yours or mine? 782 00:45:53,740 --> 00:45:55,580 A job on the job at work. 783 00:45:57,580 --> 00:46:01,220 Deepak's taxi, come with me. Good morning, good evening, Deepak speaking. 784 00:46:03,140 --> 00:46:06,020 Byron, what makes you think he's going to tell us exactly where it is in 785 00:46:06,020 --> 00:46:08,760 Golderscreen that Golderscreen lives? I mean, Golderscreen's very discreet. 786 00:46:08,980 --> 00:46:09,879 That's easy. 787 00:46:09,880 --> 00:46:12,940 Everyone knows that Dick Cheese Deepak hasn't had a blowjob in the last five 788 00:46:12,940 --> 00:46:16,060 years. He hasn't had a blowjob in the last five years? No, he's got a foreskin 789 00:46:16,060 --> 00:46:17,600 problem. He's got a foreskin problem? 790 00:46:18,080 --> 00:46:19,700 What the frig, Dick? Foreskin problem? 791 00:46:20,500 --> 00:46:21,520 Goodness gracious. 792 00:46:22,300 --> 00:46:23,360 It doesn't go back. 793 00:46:23,580 --> 00:46:26,220 No, it hasn't done in the last five years. 794 00:46:26,920 --> 00:46:28,640 Do you think it's going to be a problem? 795 00:46:29,140 --> 00:46:31,340 I think maybe you'd better give him your blowjob, don't you? 796 00:46:31,880 --> 00:46:33,280 Oh, OK. 797 00:46:34,080 --> 00:46:35,080 Better than nothing. 798 00:46:36,560 --> 00:46:40,340 Consequently, as a direct result of his dick cheese, Deepak hasn't been able to 799 00:46:40,340 --> 00:46:43,000 persuade any punter to give him a blowjob in the last five years. 800 00:46:45,260 --> 00:46:46,260 Yo, taxi. 801 00:46:47,260 --> 00:46:48,360 Until now, that is. 802 00:47:00,910 --> 00:47:01,910 It's all yours. 803 00:47:07,070 --> 00:47:10,450 Deepak Taxi, come with me. Good morning, good evening. 804 00:47:10,890 --> 00:47:11,890 Deepak speaking. 805 00:47:12,210 --> 00:47:14,210 What can I be doing with you, please? 806 00:47:14,970 --> 00:47:16,030 Gold as green, please. 807 00:47:16,490 --> 00:47:19,790 Where precisely in gold as green, please? No, no, no, no, Deepak. 808 00:47:20,110 --> 00:47:21,310 Gold as green, please. 809 00:47:22,330 --> 00:47:23,330 Oh, no. 810 00:47:23,510 --> 00:47:24,510 Oh, no. 811 00:47:24,930 --> 00:47:25,930 Oh, no. 812 00:47:27,870 --> 00:47:30,210 Gold as green is choosing to be most private. 813 00:47:30,700 --> 00:47:33,380 He's most discreet. Look, Deepak, cut the crap, all right? Bring us to Golders 814 00:47:33,380 --> 00:47:35,700 Green, and he'll give you your first blowjob in five years. 815 00:47:39,220 --> 00:47:40,840 But I've just had one. 816 00:47:41,480 --> 00:47:42,480 You have? 817 00:47:42,680 --> 00:47:45,340 Yeah, just half an hour ago. 818 00:47:46,960 --> 00:47:50,060 You mean to say someone gave you, Dixie, Deepak, a blowjob? 819 00:47:50,420 --> 00:47:53,300 Yeah, my first blowjob in five years. 820 00:47:54,640 --> 00:47:55,640 It was terrific. 821 00:47:56,140 --> 00:47:57,220 It was a dwarf. 822 00:47:58,340 --> 00:47:59,340 A dwarf? 823 00:48:00,290 --> 00:48:04,630 Yes, you know, a dwarf, he's only about three and a half feet tall. 824 00:48:07,990 --> 00:48:11,550 Oh, but it's not like I get a blowjob every day. 825 00:48:13,210 --> 00:48:14,210 All right, Deepak. 826 00:48:15,110 --> 00:48:18,390 You take off the gold or green and we'll give you your second blowjob in five 827 00:48:18,390 --> 00:48:19,390 years. 828 00:48:20,770 --> 00:48:21,770 Okay. 829 00:48:25,840 --> 00:48:30,020 To administer the second blowjob in five years on a willy with an advanced 830 00:48:30,020 --> 00:48:34,140 foreskin problem and an inordinate amount of dick cheese, one first needs 831 00:48:34,140 --> 00:48:38,500 to find a suitable detergent, disinfectant, and finally, last but not 832 00:48:38,500 --> 00:48:43,460 least, a more than usually potent deodorizer. 833 00:48:45,240 --> 00:48:52,140 And containing 40% of pure, undiluted, 100% proof, mind-blowing, brain-cell 834 00:48:52,140 --> 00:48:53,140 -decimating alcohol. 835 00:48:53,440 --> 00:48:54,880 There was nothing. 836 00:48:55,500 --> 00:48:58,740 quite as suitable as a good old Black Death. 837 00:49:25,230 --> 00:49:28,010 And that was dead gay guy number four. 838 00:49:28,530 --> 00:49:33,230 Dick Cheese Deepak's second blowjob in five years proved, unfortunately, also 839 00:49:33,230 --> 00:49:34,230 to be his last. 840 00:49:34,590 --> 00:49:39,150 But at least it was a memorable one. He had managed to come at the precise 841 00:49:39,150 --> 00:49:43,030 moment of impact, ejaculating himself through the windscreen quite a 842 00:49:43,030 --> 00:49:44,030 respectable distance. 843 00:49:44,230 --> 00:49:49,950 But, as is so often the case with the first blowjob in ages, Dick Cheese 844 00:49:49,950 --> 00:49:54,270 Deepak had ejaculated prematurely. We hadn't yet reached folder screen. 845 00:50:00,430 --> 00:50:01,430 I know one thing for sure. 846 00:50:02,670 --> 00:50:03,750 I'm not in Golders Green. 847 00:50:20,370 --> 00:50:25,710 Can I... What have you done with your dead gay guy? 848 00:50:26,710 --> 00:50:27,710 Huh? 849 00:50:28,350 --> 00:50:29,490 Byron, I've done you a blowjob. 850 00:50:29,870 --> 00:50:31,510 Can I... The guy's dead. 851 00:50:33,610 --> 00:50:37,730 Yet again, I don't think you quite grasp the severity of the situation here. 852 00:50:39,590 --> 00:50:41,190 There's only two ways to go loose green. 853 00:50:41,410 --> 00:50:44,550 And one of them is lying face down in the bonnet of his car, not alive. 854 00:50:44,850 --> 00:50:45,850 Do you understand? 855 00:50:46,070 --> 00:50:47,070 Do you? 856 00:50:51,450 --> 00:50:52,450 What's the other? 857 00:50:53,490 --> 00:50:54,490 The other? 858 00:50:55,650 --> 00:50:58,570 The other is only go loose green's really hard red bull test. 859 00:51:06,359 --> 00:51:07,359 Exactly. Oh. 860 00:51:16,380 --> 00:51:17,380 Jeff's dead. 861 00:51:19,220 --> 00:51:20,360 Dixie Deepak's dead. 862 00:51:21,460 --> 00:51:22,800 It's still not yet Jarrow Week. 863 00:51:23,020 --> 00:51:24,660 I could really use a drink right now. 864 00:51:25,440 --> 00:51:27,940 But thanks to you, there's no gay guys left to make any money from. 865 00:51:28,200 --> 00:51:29,200 Louie. 866 00:51:32,600 --> 00:51:33,640 Byron. What? 867 00:51:34,860 --> 00:51:35,860 Yes, there is. 868 00:51:41,820 --> 00:51:44,040 Desperate times called for desperate measures. 869 00:51:44,260 --> 00:51:47,160 The time had come then... I'm delighted to have you. 870 00:51:47,800 --> 00:51:49,100 ...to shag each other. 871 00:51:52,300 --> 00:51:56,000 I must say, I always welcome a nice spot of serendipity. 872 00:51:57,560 --> 00:51:59,320 What the friggin' serendipity? 873 00:52:00,460 --> 00:52:06,260 Serendipity means, my dear boy, that as a direct consequence of the unhappy and 874 00:52:06,260 --> 00:52:11,280 unfortunate demise of our mutual friend, Dick Chief Deepak, I... 875 00:52:11,710 --> 00:52:15,670 I'm in the fortunate and happy position of being able to shag you both. 876 00:52:16,490 --> 00:52:23,250 Or, to paraphrase Jeff, it's a cruel irony that while some poor bugger 877 00:52:23,250 --> 00:52:28,390 is six feet under decomposing, you are left very much alive and able to indulge 878 00:52:28,390 --> 00:52:30,210 in a good old-fashioned reason. 879 00:52:34,150 --> 00:52:37,070 Now, you two boys look like you could really use us. 880 00:52:42,080 --> 00:52:43,080 Kenny and me. 881 00:52:43,560 --> 00:52:44,600 We were best mates. 882 00:52:45,540 --> 00:52:49,660 But as close as we were, the thought of taking each other up the bum was just a 883 00:52:49,660 --> 00:52:51,780 little bit more intimate than we would have liked. 884 00:52:52,880 --> 00:52:53,880 Look, Byron. 885 00:52:54,340 --> 00:52:55,340 It's only work. 886 00:52:55,360 --> 00:52:56,360 Ah. 887 00:52:57,020 --> 00:52:58,740 Legitimate, lucrative work. 888 00:53:01,320 --> 00:53:03,600 I mean, I'm not even gay. 889 00:53:04,160 --> 00:53:05,160 No. 890 00:53:07,300 --> 00:53:08,300 No. 891 00:53:09,140 --> 00:53:10,640 Right. It's that old. 892 00:53:13,360 --> 00:53:14,360 Let's get down to business. 893 00:53:14,420 --> 00:53:15,420 Yeah? Yeah. 894 00:53:16,420 --> 00:53:16,860 He 895 00:53:16,860 --> 00:53:36,900 left 896 00:53:36,900 --> 00:53:38,000 the account, eh? 897 00:53:38,340 --> 00:53:39,340 What? 898 00:53:39,760 --> 00:53:40,760 Was there a wallet? 899 00:53:41,440 --> 00:53:42,440 What's wrong with it? 900 00:53:45,000 --> 00:53:46,000 What do you think? 901 00:53:46,300 --> 00:53:47,300 I have a thing. 902 00:53:48,720 --> 00:53:51,640 I think it's about the biggest woolly I've ever seen in my entire life. 903 00:53:52,180 --> 00:53:53,180 I would say it's average. 904 00:53:53,380 --> 00:53:54,380 Average? 905 00:53:55,400 --> 00:53:56,400 Lipsync, can't it? 906 00:53:56,560 --> 00:53:58,340 That thing is not average. 907 00:53:59,180 --> 00:54:00,180 This is average. 908 00:54:01,680 --> 00:54:02,680 Let me burn. 909 00:54:03,320 --> 00:54:04,320 Look at your woolly. 910 00:54:05,040 --> 00:54:06,140 What's wrong with my woolly? 911 00:54:06,960 --> 00:54:09,440 Six and a third inches, can't it? That's average. Average. 912 00:54:10,880 --> 00:54:13,640 Excuse me, you're the one here with the flipping weird woolly. 913 00:54:14,570 --> 00:54:16,530 I mean, what do the women think? 914 00:54:21,150 --> 00:54:22,150 There's never been anyone. 915 00:54:24,610 --> 00:54:29,930 In fact, to tell you the truth, I think I might be gay. 916 00:54:35,610 --> 00:54:36,610 Oh, my God. 917 00:54:37,470 --> 00:54:41,330 I'm terribly sorry, but you can't really expect me to accommodate that thing. 918 00:54:42,050 --> 00:54:43,370 That's way beyond my league. 919 00:54:43,930 --> 00:54:47,090 In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if that could pass Golders Green's really hard 920 00:54:47,090 --> 00:54:48,090 red bull test. 921 00:54:48,910 --> 00:54:49,910 No! 922 00:54:57,370 --> 00:55:00,070 Golders Green's really hard red bull test! 923 00:55:01,970 --> 00:55:06,310 As a direct consequence of the unhappy and unfortunate demise of our mutual 924 00:55:06,310 --> 00:55:07,930 friend Dick G. Deepak... 925 00:55:08,220 --> 00:55:11,840 We were in the fortunate and happy position of being able to pass Golders 926 00:55:11,840 --> 00:55:13,700 Green's really hard red bull test. 927 00:55:16,080 --> 00:55:20,000 I must say, I always welcome a nice spot of serendipity. 928 00:55:22,900 --> 00:55:27,020 Kenny's Wally had finally won us a private audience with the very private 929 00:55:27,020 --> 00:55:32,940 and very discreet Golders Green, about whom very little was known other than 930 00:55:32,940 --> 00:55:35,440 the fact he lived somewhere in Golders Green. 931 00:55:56,520 --> 00:55:58,300 Be very discreet. You see, I'm an orthodox Jew. 932 00:56:02,220 --> 00:56:04,160 Please, sit down. 933 00:56:08,700 --> 00:56:09,700 No, not the chair. 934 00:56:10,160 --> 00:56:11,160 The bed. 935 00:56:11,260 --> 00:56:12,320 Please, sit on the bed. 936 00:56:13,340 --> 00:56:14,480 The chair's private. 937 00:56:15,360 --> 00:56:16,360 It's personal. 938 00:56:17,900 --> 00:56:20,820 The chair is only for me to sit on. 939 00:56:21,240 --> 00:56:24,440 Whereas the bed, so many people have been in and out of that bed, it might 940 00:56:24,440 --> 00:56:27,220 just as well be public property. I'm funny like that, you see. 941 00:56:27,600 --> 00:56:31,020 I'll let any number of willies up my bum, but I won't let anybody sit on my 942 00:56:31,020 --> 00:56:32,020 chair. 943 00:56:32,200 --> 00:56:37,080 In other words, my bum might be everybody's property, but my feet is my 944 00:56:37,080 --> 00:56:38,280 property. Ha! 945 00:56:46,060 --> 00:56:47,420 It's quite a big bed you've got here. 946 00:56:48,780 --> 00:56:49,780 Yes. 947 00:56:50,600 --> 00:56:51,600 I like big. 948 00:56:52,100 --> 00:56:54,920 Big is good, but it takes two to fill a bed. 949 00:56:55,140 --> 00:56:56,300 And with the Queen gone, 950 00:56:57,080 --> 00:57:01,740 this bed is too big, even for me. 951 00:57:03,580 --> 00:57:09,300 Speaking of big, you've passed the really 952 00:57:09,300 --> 00:57:12,260 hard red bull test, yes? 953 00:57:17,460 --> 00:57:19,080 Good. I like big. 954 00:57:19,630 --> 00:57:20,670 Small I don't like. 955 00:57:21,050 --> 00:57:23,870 Dwarves and midgets I don't like. Dwarves I don't do. Dwarves? 956 00:57:24,090 --> 00:57:27,190 Yes, a dwarf. Earlier tonight you should have seen him. You wouldn't believe it. 957 00:57:27,210 --> 00:57:28,710 He was only about three and a half feet tall. 958 00:57:43,050 --> 00:57:44,650 I'm sorry, I don't sleep with midgets. 959 00:57:45,310 --> 00:57:47,210 I'm not a midget. I'm a dwarf. 960 00:57:47,720 --> 00:57:49,940 I don't care what you are. Small is small. I like big. 961 00:57:51,140 --> 00:57:53,160 Nah, I like big. 962 00:57:53,460 --> 00:57:54,460 Big boys. 963 00:57:54,820 --> 00:57:57,680 And boy was the queen of big boy. 964 00:57:58,620 --> 00:58:05,160 He had a big, you know, and I had a, I have a big, 965 00:58:05,220 --> 00:58:09,780 you know, and it just fitted very nicely. 966 00:58:11,560 --> 00:58:15,660 Now that he's gone, he's left a huge hole in my life. 967 00:58:16,040 --> 00:58:17,040 Huge. 968 00:58:18,190 --> 00:58:21,350 And I've been looking for someone big enough to fill my huge hole ever since. 969 00:58:27,230 --> 00:58:33,310 So, it was big then? It was the biggest I've ever seen in my entire life, I 970 00:58:33,310 --> 00:58:34,209 swear to God. 971 00:58:34,210 --> 00:58:35,210 And can I? 972 00:58:35,250 --> 00:58:39,310 Would it be fair to say, therefore, that its capacity to accommodate was directly 973 00:58:39,310 --> 00:58:40,630 proportional to its bigness? 974 00:58:41,110 --> 00:58:44,310 In other words, very, very big? It'd be fair to say. 975 00:58:44,700 --> 00:58:47,740 That there's room up there to stick whatever the hell you want, yes. 976 00:58:48,980 --> 00:58:53,260 I mean, to be honest, it's not every bum that can take a ginormous willy like 977 00:58:53,260 --> 00:58:54,540 mine. Do you know what I mean? 978 00:58:57,300 --> 00:59:02,060 Can I... I was talking about the size of his bed, not his arsehole. 979 00:59:02,260 --> 00:59:03,260 Your arsehole. 980 00:59:03,620 --> 00:59:04,920 Oh, his bed. 981 00:59:06,420 --> 00:59:07,460 Well, that was pretty big too. 982 00:59:12,240 --> 00:59:13,800 Fine. What do you do? 983 00:59:14,620 --> 00:59:18,580 Look, if that bed's really as big as you say it is, then that's a shitload of 984 00:59:18,580 --> 00:59:20,000 money. Can I? 985 00:59:20,700 --> 00:59:24,700 I think it's high time we did work of a highly lucrative and wholly illegitimate 986 00:59:24,700 --> 00:59:25,700 nature. 987 00:59:26,600 --> 00:59:28,720 Go on, Bernie. Don't you stop me. All right? 988 00:59:29,440 --> 00:59:30,900 All right? All right. 989 00:59:31,940 --> 00:59:32,940 All right. 990 00:59:34,100 --> 00:59:35,100 All right. 991 00:59:48,170 --> 00:59:52,150 And anyway, why do you think I sent you down to Golders Green in the first 992 00:59:52,150 --> 00:59:53,150 place? 993 00:59:54,150 --> 00:59:57,330 Kenny, we don't have sex with guys for pleasure. 994 00:59:58,310 --> 01:00:01,490 We only do it for the money. Now will you try and remember that? 995 01:00:02,230 --> 01:00:03,230 Please? 996 01:00:12,630 --> 01:00:14,810 And so back we went to Golders Green. 997 01:00:15,470 --> 01:00:19,890 But as is so often the case when one goes again so soon after already having 998 01:00:19,890 --> 01:00:23,990 had sex, we were, the second time, late in coming. 999 01:00:28,030 --> 01:00:29,690 Someone had got there before us. 1000 01:00:30,450 --> 01:00:31,450 The Iron Lady! 1001 01:00:34,390 --> 01:00:36,230 What the f**k is he doing here? 1002 01:00:38,490 --> 01:00:41,750 Surely you don't think he's gonna scream a f**k with the Iron Lady? 1003 01:00:44,720 --> 01:00:47,100 No one could possibly want to have sex with Iron Lady. 1004 01:00:47,960 --> 01:00:49,520 At least not for a player, anyway. 1005 01:00:49,960 --> 01:00:51,800 Two carries of Red Bull. 1006 01:00:52,100 --> 01:00:57,440 Really long, really strong, and really hard. If so, please contact Golden 1007 01:00:57,440 --> 01:00:59,920 Screen for lots of fun and money. 1008 01:01:01,140 --> 01:01:03,020 Money? Is someone making money? 1009 01:01:09,220 --> 01:01:11,460 Rick, pass over two carries of Red Bull, will you? 1010 01:01:16,750 --> 01:01:18,110 They're proud and good as green spades. 1011 01:01:18,550 --> 01:01:19,550 That's what they're here for. 1012 01:01:20,490 --> 01:01:22,190 They're iron lady and the two West African brothers. 1013 01:01:23,090 --> 01:01:24,970 They're iron lady and the two West African brothers? 1014 01:01:26,230 --> 01:01:27,550 Well, why don't we raise the third one? 1015 01:01:27,970 --> 01:01:30,010 Rick, pass us over two pairs of red bull, will you? 1016 01:01:33,290 --> 01:01:36,710 Oh, you all pass gold as green's really hard red bull, Ted. 1017 01:01:37,250 --> 01:01:38,670 Well, we are all brothers, you know. 1018 01:01:39,590 --> 01:01:41,670 But I don't think I know which one of you to choose. 1019 01:01:42,030 --> 01:01:44,410 Well, Margaret, which one of us do you like? 1020 01:01:44,670 --> 01:01:45,670 Well, don't know really. 1021 01:01:46,040 --> 01:01:48,440 To be honest, you all look the same to me. 1022 01:01:49,040 --> 01:01:52,460 Eeny, meeny, miny, moe. 1023 01:01:52,700 --> 01:01:53,700 Catch ya! 1024 01:03:03,280 --> 01:03:04,940 There's the one in the pad, in the bag. 1025 01:03:31,920 --> 01:03:32,920 Flip me, can I? 1026 01:03:39,400 --> 01:03:41,340 Look at the size of that bed. 1027 01:03:41,680 --> 01:03:42,920 Forget about the bed, Byron. 1028 01:03:44,780 --> 01:03:45,780 Golder's green. 1029 01:03:46,820 --> 01:03:47,820 I think he's dead. 1030 01:03:48,120 --> 01:03:49,340 Forget about Golder's green. 1031 01:03:50,040 --> 01:03:52,360 Have you ever seen a bigger bed in your entire life? 1032 01:03:52,880 --> 01:03:54,000 Don't touch him! 1033 01:03:56,100 --> 01:03:57,580 If he's dead, then it's murder. 1034 01:03:57,940 --> 01:04:00,560 And if it's murder and you've touched him, then we're both implicated. 1035 01:04:04,560 --> 01:04:05,560 Anyways. Oi. 1036 01:04:06,400 --> 01:04:07,540 Do you love him or what? 1037 01:04:08,140 --> 01:04:09,920 What? Do you love him? 1038 01:04:10,300 --> 01:04:11,720 Of course I don't love him. Exactly. 1039 01:04:12,280 --> 01:04:14,320 You don't love him and you're not gay. 1040 01:04:18,660 --> 01:04:22,060 Can I... I will never forget the size of that bed. 1041 01:04:22,780 --> 01:04:23,780 Never. 1042 01:04:24,480 --> 01:04:27,760 Nor will I ever forget the ginormous amount of money that must have been 1043 01:04:27,760 --> 01:04:29,420 hidden in a bed of that magnitude either. 1044 01:04:30,400 --> 01:04:32,680 Money, I might add, that we were going to steal first. 1045 01:04:35,630 --> 01:04:38,850 If only the Iron Lady and the three West African brothers hadn't gotten there 1046 01:04:38,850 --> 01:04:40,350 before us. Forget it, Byron. 1047 01:04:41,910 --> 01:04:44,150 The money, it's gone. We'll never get it now. 1048 01:04:47,250 --> 01:04:48,250 Oh, yes, we will. 1049 01:04:49,290 --> 01:04:50,290 How do you mean? 1050 01:04:54,030 --> 01:04:57,310 But where do you think the Iron Lady and the three West African brothers went 1051 01:04:57,310 --> 01:04:58,350 after they got the money? 1052 01:04:59,730 --> 01:05:03,470 Margaret, it's only the second closest pub to the flat. 1053 01:05:03,950 --> 01:05:05,790 Oh no, Baron, we do want to fuck with the Iron Lady, okay? 1054 01:05:06,030 --> 01:05:07,030 Oh yes. 1055 01:05:07,470 --> 01:05:09,610 Yes, we do want to fuck with the Iron Lady. 1056 01:05:27,590 --> 01:05:28,590 Hello. 1057 01:05:28,650 --> 01:05:31,450 My name's Bill Clinton and this here's my colleague Ronald Reagan. 1058 01:05:32,160 --> 01:05:35,300 Owing to recent national expenditure, the US economy is not as strong as it 1059 01:05:35,300 --> 01:05:36,820 could be, or indeed should be. 1060 01:05:37,060 --> 01:05:40,320 It is our responsibility, therefore, to bring about a level of stability on the 1061 01:05:40,320 --> 01:05:41,218 economic front. 1062 01:05:41,220 --> 01:05:43,260 Or in other words, to refill the coffers. 1063 01:05:43,620 --> 01:05:48,040 Or in other, other words, and to use plain fucking English, hand over your 1064 01:05:48,040 --> 01:05:49,040 friggin' money. 1065 01:05:50,320 --> 01:05:51,580 Is that you, Byron? 1066 01:05:51,780 --> 01:05:52,558 It's him. 1067 01:05:52,560 --> 01:05:53,680 It's the Black Death. 1068 01:05:53,940 --> 01:05:56,260 It's the Black Death. Can I get a Black Death, please? 1069 01:05:58,140 --> 01:06:00,660 Byron, they know you. They friggin' know you. Well, of course they know me. 1070 01:06:01,280 --> 01:06:02,460 They're in here nearly every night. 1071 01:06:03,240 --> 01:06:04,240 Look, 1072 01:06:07,780 --> 01:06:09,220 just hand over your friggin' money, all right? 1073 01:06:10,160 --> 01:06:11,058 What money? 1074 01:06:11,060 --> 01:06:13,460 What do you mean, what money? Golders Green's money. The bread and the bed. 1075 01:06:13,800 --> 01:06:14,840 The bread and the bed? 1076 01:06:17,320 --> 01:06:22,200 The money. 1077 01:06:23,920 --> 01:06:24,920 Where's the money? 1078 01:06:26,240 --> 01:06:28,260 What money? 1079 01:06:31,180 --> 01:06:33,540 There's no money in the bed. Where's the money in the bed? 1080 01:06:34,040 --> 01:06:35,540 There is no money in the bed. 1081 01:06:36,160 --> 01:06:39,560 Everybody knows there's bread in Golda Green's bed. 1082 01:06:39,940 --> 01:06:40,980 There's no money in the bed. 1083 01:06:41,500 --> 01:06:44,460 There's rumours and lies. Look, look at the bed. There's no money in the bed. 1084 01:06:44,860 --> 01:06:47,320 But Margaret, maybe he's telling the truth. 1085 01:06:48,120 --> 01:06:51,480 Not all Jewish people have a lot of money. It's just a stereotype. 1086 01:06:52,220 --> 01:06:56,460 People stereotype Jews in the same way they stereotype black men or fat women. 1087 01:06:56,780 --> 01:06:57,880 Jewish people are rich. 1088 01:06:58,700 --> 01:06:59,980 Black men are well endowed. 1089 01:07:00,680 --> 01:07:03,400 Fat women only become lesbians because they can't find a man. 1090 01:07:03,880 --> 01:07:07,160 You know, maybe there's no truth in a stereotype whatsoever. 1091 01:07:08,900 --> 01:07:10,160 Especially that last one. 1092 01:07:11,220 --> 01:07:15,580 Whether or not poor Golders Green died from being hit or from a heart attack, 1093 01:07:15,720 --> 01:07:16,720 we'll never know. 1094 01:07:17,040 --> 01:07:20,940 Heart attack or no heart attack, though, the sheer pain of seeing his precious 1095 01:07:20,940 --> 01:07:25,320 bed being destroyed in front of his very eyes would have killed him anyway. There 1096 01:07:25,320 --> 01:07:28,860 is no bread in the bed. No, it was just a stereotype, stupid. 1097 01:07:29,720 --> 01:07:32,940 And as we all know, there's no truth in a stereotype whatsoever. 1098 01:07:33,980 --> 01:07:35,120 So what's in the bag? 1099 01:07:37,460 --> 01:07:39,100 There's no bread in the bag either. 1100 01:07:39,540 --> 01:07:44,060 So there we all were, standing there like the total nobs Golders Green had 1101 01:07:44,060 --> 01:07:45,060 taken us for. 1102 01:07:45,120 --> 01:07:49,500 Golders Green, in more ways than one, had well and truly shagged a lot of us. 1103 01:07:49,800 --> 01:07:54,260 All of us, that is, except for the desperate dwarf. 1104 01:07:54,740 --> 01:07:55,740 Where's the money? 1105 01:07:55,960 --> 01:07:57,720 Who the hell is the midget? 1106 01:07:57,920 --> 01:07:58,920 I'm not a midget. 1107 01:08:00,620 --> 01:08:01,379 I'm a dwarf. 1108 01:08:01,380 --> 01:08:03,420 How the hell did a dwarf get in here? 1109 01:08:05,480 --> 01:08:06,940 Small is small. I like big. 1110 01:08:10,720 --> 01:08:11,720 No, 1111 01:08:11,900 --> 01:08:14,500 the desperate dwarf, Golders Green, didn't shine. 1112 01:08:14,820 --> 01:08:16,100 He was too small. 1113 01:08:37,040 --> 01:08:38,040 A young lady. 1114 01:08:39,279 --> 01:08:40,279 Where's the money? 1115 01:08:40,420 --> 01:08:41,720 There is no money. 1116 01:08:42,460 --> 01:08:43,460 Oh. 1117 01:08:43,800 --> 01:08:48,760 If there's no money, how did Golders Green persuade the Queen to have sex 1118 01:08:48,760 --> 01:08:52,080 with him? He didn't. They probably had sex just for pleasure. 1119 01:08:52,340 --> 01:08:54,120 They probably did it out of love. 1120 01:08:54,380 --> 01:08:55,380 They did it out of love? 1121 01:08:55,600 --> 01:08:56,740 They had sex for pleasure? 1122 01:08:57,000 --> 01:08:59,779 No. You don't need money to have sex. 1123 01:09:00,100 --> 01:09:02,080 That again is yet another stereotype. 1124 01:09:02,700 --> 01:09:04,920 Two unattractive people can have sex. 1125 01:09:05,340 --> 01:09:07,080 As long as they're attracted to each other. 1126 01:09:07,859 --> 01:09:11,200 Two people who are in love can have sex for free. 1127 01:09:13,660 --> 01:09:15,500 They can have sex for free. 1128 01:09:18,220 --> 01:09:22,420 Look, enough of this. What is this anyway, a bloody circus or what? How 1129 01:09:22,420 --> 01:09:24,479 many more clowns and midgets am I to expect tonight? 1130 01:09:24,760 --> 01:09:26,340 I'm not a midget. I'm a dwarf. 1131 01:09:26,580 --> 01:09:27,600 What's the difference? 1132 01:09:28,100 --> 01:09:29,500 Small is small. 1133 01:09:29,779 --> 01:09:32,680 I keep telling you, I'm not a midget. I'm a dwarf. 1134 01:09:34,350 --> 01:09:38,149 For a small short arse of a guy, the desperate dwarf had an awfully large 1135 01:09:38,149 --> 01:09:41,330 chip in his shoulder. Yet again, he went flippin' mental. 1136 01:09:41,970 --> 01:09:45,430 Then again, his inferiority complex could be seen as justified. 1137 01:09:45,710 --> 01:09:49,470 I mean, after all, the poor midget did only have a three and a half inch willy. 1138 01:09:53,529 --> 01:09:57,410 Hitting on everyone with his big stick, the desperate dwarf was directly 1139 01:09:57,410 --> 01:10:02,310 responsible for dead gay guy's numbers six, seven, eight and nine. 1140 01:10:02,890 --> 01:10:05,790 Number nine being himself, the Iron Lady fell on top of him. 1141 01:10:06,690 --> 01:10:10,390 It was the first time the desperate dwarf had ever hit on a woman, and it 1142 01:10:10,390 --> 01:10:12,990 was the first time the Iron Lady had ever been on top of a man. 1143 01:10:14,110 --> 01:10:15,930 She was a lesbian, of course. 1144 01:10:17,610 --> 01:10:19,310 They had sex for pleasure. 1145 01:10:23,950 --> 01:10:26,550 It has been known to happen from time to time, Byron, you know. 1146 01:10:28,690 --> 01:10:32,170 But if they had sex for pleasure, then what the frig was the big bid for, then? 1147 01:10:33,880 --> 01:10:35,200 That was for pleasure too, maybe? 1148 01:10:37,900 --> 01:10:38,900 Nah. 1149 01:10:41,960 --> 01:10:43,480 There has to be money in there. 1150 01:10:43,780 --> 01:10:45,060 Barn, there is no money, all right? 1151 01:10:45,360 --> 01:10:46,640 There is no friggin' money! 1152 01:10:49,460 --> 01:10:50,620 You just don't get it, do you? 1153 01:10:52,540 --> 01:10:56,140 You can't get into that thick skull of yours that people can have sex for 1154 01:10:56,140 --> 01:10:57,140 pleasure. 1155 01:10:57,480 --> 01:10:58,480 Huh? 1156 01:11:00,860 --> 01:11:03,270 Wow! You know... People fucking for fun. 1157 01:11:03,490 --> 01:11:05,510 How strange, huh? 1158 01:11:07,950 --> 01:11:12,370 What is it about that strange concept you just can't grasp, huh? 1159 01:11:14,870 --> 01:11:15,870 Jesus. 1160 01:11:19,650 --> 01:11:23,290 You know, there doesn't have to be any money, Byron. 1161 01:11:23,610 --> 01:11:25,070 There isn't any money. 1162 01:11:25,530 --> 01:11:28,230 There's nothing except that stupid fucking maid. 1163 01:11:45,680 --> 01:11:46,659 The armchair. 1164 01:11:46,660 --> 01:11:50,680 You see, I'll let any number of willies up my bum, but I won't let anybody sit 1165 01:11:50,680 --> 01:11:51,680 on my chair. 1166 01:11:52,320 --> 01:11:57,840 In other words, my bum might be everybody's property, but my seat is my 1167 01:11:57,840 --> 01:11:59,020 property. Ha! 1168 01:12:06,540 --> 01:12:10,600 The year I went down to London to actively seek work was a significant 1169 01:12:10,600 --> 01:12:11,600 year for me. 1170 01:12:13,240 --> 01:12:16,000 Talking about an adult, It's hardly new to me exactly. 1171 01:12:16,820 --> 01:12:21,060 But dusting about on the dole down in London, now that was a significant 1172 01:12:21,060 --> 01:12:22,060 change. 1173 01:12:24,360 --> 01:12:27,860 But they say the streets of London are paved with gold. 1174 01:12:28,540 --> 01:12:31,960 I now know this to be an undisputed fact, for even I was able to find 1175 01:12:31,960 --> 01:12:33,800 gainful employment in the big smoke. 1176 01:12:36,400 --> 01:12:41,080 Now, I'm a lazy bastard at the best of times. But if a daughter like me could 1177 01:12:41,080 --> 01:12:42,740 find work, then so could anyone. 1178 01:12:47,099 --> 01:12:49,880 highly lucrative and wholly illegitimate work. 1179 01:12:53,100 --> 01:12:58,380 But most significantly of all, the year I went down to London was the year of 1180 01:12:58,380 --> 01:13:00,300 the nine dead gay guys. 1181 01:13:00,640 --> 01:13:01,960 Byron, where do you have to go? 1182 01:13:02,500 --> 01:13:03,540 I mean, why don't you stay? 1183 01:13:04,740 --> 01:13:05,740 Nah. 1184 01:13:06,120 --> 01:13:07,120 I've had enough, Kenny. 1185 01:13:08,100 --> 01:13:09,660 I've had enough of dead gay guys. 1186 01:13:12,940 --> 01:13:15,200 I mean, I don't know what it is about you and dead people, Kenny. 1187 01:13:15,740 --> 01:13:16,740 But there's been nine already. 1188 01:13:17,040 --> 01:13:18,260 Nine dead gay guys. 1189 01:13:18,960 --> 01:13:21,180 I mean, that's a hell of a lot of dead people, and you've only been here a 1190 01:13:21,180 --> 01:13:22,180 couple of days, you know what I mean? 1191 01:13:30,080 --> 01:13:33,140 Why don't you come with me? Go back home for a little while. You might do you 1192 01:13:33,140 --> 01:13:33,959 some good. 1193 01:13:33,960 --> 01:13:34,960 Eh, nah. 1194 01:13:35,260 --> 01:13:36,260 But why not? 1195 01:13:36,640 --> 01:13:37,640 What's it a stay for? 1196 01:13:38,700 --> 01:13:40,640 You know, three to London. 1197 01:13:42,080 --> 01:13:43,080 Paid with gold. 1198 01:13:50,210 --> 01:13:51,750 Anyway, it's jar a week, sir. 1199 01:13:58,010 --> 01:13:59,530 How much more money do you want, Kenny? 1200 01:14:02,130 --> 01:14:03,170 Well, you know what they say. 1201 01:14:03,910 --> 01:14:04,990 When there's money, there's love. 1202 01:14:06,310 --> 01:14:10,910 Although you don't need money to have sex, exactly, it can, however, help. 1203 01:14:11,750 --> 01:14:17,130 You see, although Golders Green did, in fact, pay Her Majesty for his 1204 01:14:17,130 --> 01:14:20,620 pleasure... Their relationship was not totally without reciprocation. 1205 01:14:21,800 --> 01:14:24,780 It was what you might call a give-and-take relationship. 1206 01:14:28,380 --> 01:14:30,400 Golders Green gave, and the Queen took. 1207 01:14:31,440 --> 01:14:32,440 Thank you, Your Majesty. 1208 01:14:34,340 --> 01:14:37,080 But then sometimes it was the other way round. 1209 01:14:37,880 --> 01:14:38,880 No. 1210 01:14:40,940 --> 01:14:42,220 Thank you, Goldilocks. 1211 01:14:42,780 --> 01:14:47,160 In other words, not only could the Queen take it, but the Queen could also give 1212 01:14:47,160 --> 01:14:48,160 it. 1213 01:14:48,350 --> 01:14:54,430 And so, I guess you could say they were, in more ways than one, respectively able 1214 01:14:54,430 --> 01:14:55,690 to fill each other's hole. 1215 01:14:56,650 --> 01:15:01,510 The hole in each other's life, that is. 1216 01:15:06,450 --> 01:15:09,530 Little wonder, then, why Golders Green was so precious about his fate. 1217 01:15:10,850 --> 01:15:15,670 Or in other, other words, when it comes to Golders Green's end, it really is 1218 01:15:15,670 --> 01:15:16,670 true to say. 1219 01:15:16,780 --> 01:15:20,780 that where there's money, there's love. 1220 01:15:26,000 --> 01:15:30,940 And if London can do all that for Golders Green, then London can do all 1221 01:15:30,940 --> 01:15:32,800 that for my best mate, Kenny. 1222 01:15:33,580 --> 01:15:34,600 Whatever makes you happy. 1223 01:15:37,240 --> 01:15:38,420 Hey, Byron. What? 1224 01:15:43,980 --> 01:15:44,980 It's good seeing you, man. 1225 01:15:46,270 --> 01:15:47,490 Yeah, let's continue, Siri. 1226 01:16:16,300 --> 01:16:22,940 You're wondering how you will pay all the way you did 1227 01:16:22,940 --> 01:16:23,940 pay. 1228 01:16:27,160 --> 01:16:29,580 This has been fallen. 1229 01:16:30,000 --> 01:16:32,960 Now you're on your own. 1230 01:16:34,380 --> 01:16:36,520 I won't turn. 1231 01:16:37,120 --> 01:16:40,220 Forever you will wait. 1232 01:16:41,300 --> 01:16:45,600 You're wondering now what to do. 1233 01:16:46,250 --> 01:16:49,110 Now he knows it's his day. 1234 01:17:19,690 --> 01:17:20,730 I won't return. 1235 01:17:21,330 --> 01:17:24,550 Forever you will wait. 1236 01:17:25,550 --> 01:17:31,830 You're wondering now what to do. Now you know 1237 01:17:31,830 --> 01:17:33,770 this is the end. 1238 01:17:34,750 --> 01:17:39,030 You're wondering how you will... 1239 01:18:05,610 --> 01:18:07,350 Curtain has fallen. 1240 01:18:07,870 --> 01:18:10,930 Now you're on your own. 1241 01:18:12,430 --> 01:18:14,310 I won't return. 1242 01:18:15,090 --> 01:18:18,250 Forever you will wait. 1243 01:18:19,330 --> 01:18:23,650 You're wondering now what to do. 1244 01:18:23,890 --> 01:18:27,390 Now you know this is the end. 1245 01:18:28,610 --> 01:18:32,810 You're wondering how you will live. 1246 01:18:47,020 --> 01:18:53,520 You're wondering now what to do. Now you know 1247 01:18:53,520 --> 01:18:55,700 this is the end. 1248 01:18:56,400 --> 01:19:02,840 You're wondering now what to do. Now you know 1249 01:19:02,840 --> 01:19:04,820 this is the end. 1250 01:19:09,580 --> 01:19:10,580 What to do? 1251 01:19:10,700 --> 01:19:14,340 Now you know this is the end.